Headline: Los Angeles Archdiocese Settles 45 Abuse Cases

Suggested sub-headline:

Plea Bargain Means Only 999,955 Cases Left

A Federal judge ruled that the government discriminates against blind people by printing money that all feels the same and ordered the U.S. Treasury to design bills that could be distinguished by feel.

AP reports that mega-churches which have stadium seating, big-screen videos and seat 3000 people or more, are growing nationwide.

Church officials credit the success of such churches to sermons that carry a practical message while church goers like the idea that the church is so big nobody knows whether you showed up or not.

James Dolan said to be looking into turning Madison Square Garden into a mega-church since only a miracle could help the Knicks.

Ministers say mega-churches usually feature "conservative theology."  This sends a mixed message.  Even though they preach abstinence from sex, on some level they're still saying size matters.

ABC's "All My Children" this week will introduce a transgender character who is beginning to make the transition from a man into a woman.  It just doesn't seem right...shouldn't this have happened on General Hospital?

ABC execs say move is a drive to help cut costs on the daytime soap by having one actor play both Luke and Laura.

 Everything's fine now but I'm thinking the evil twin episode is going to be confusing as hell.

Just in time for Christmas, Urban Outfitters has announced the release of a new Christmas bauble sure to get you into the holiday spirit...the  handgun ornament. 

Three people died in a holiday shooting spree in Oakland, California. 

Officials said they expect deaths to increase in the coming weeks as gamers become more familiar with how to operate the new Nintendo Wii controls.

A Russian spy critical of Russian President Vladimir Putin was radioactively poisoned in a sushi restaurant. In a remarkable death-bed letter the spy accused Putin of killing him.  Police recently uncovered the spy's Zagat survey form where he complained about the restaurant's "lack of ambiance" and warned diners to "stay away from the Polonium-210 Roll."

Putin maintained that there is no evidence that Alexander Litvinenko died a "violent death."  He repeated his call for all Russians to get an annual radioactive flu shot and not to disagree with him in order to prevent further deaths.

Parents in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin have asked school officials to remove former U.S. poet laureate Maya Angelou's autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, from the high school curriculum. 

English teachers and people who've read the First Amendment to the Constitution have responded by asking state officials to have Fond du Lac removed from Wisconsin.

Some suggested titles for Angelou's next book:
I Know Why I Never Went to Fond du Lac
I Know Why It's Illegal to Marry Your Cousin

No word yet on the parents request to have Michael Richards speak at graduation.

Friday, December 22nd is Global Orgasm Day. On that day everyone is supposed to concentrate their thoughts on global peace while achieving climax.

  
Organizers note several records are likely to be established on this day such as the loudest ever synchronized "Oh, God!" and the single day record for STDs.

There would be a certain irony to the whole thing if it actually led to us pulling out of Iraq.

Many female participants are concerned that the event will only serve to generate false hopes for peace if orgasms are faked on such a mass scale.

The founders of Global Orgasm Day hope to build on their success with a follow-up event the next day called Global Laundry Day.

Global Orgasm Day - because, if you can't get laid in the name of peace...you can't get laid.