An ancient Roman brothel that was preserved under volcanic ash 1,600 years ago has finally been restored and is once again open to the public.

Fellatia Handjobbia, pictured here, said she was delighted by the results and is eager to return to work.

SOUTH KOREA — Lee Byeong-Chun, a veterinary professor at Seoul National University, claims he has succeeded in cloning a female dog.

"And you can barely taste the difference!" proclaimed Lee.

Tonight, all over the country, kids will be out in force, trick-or-treating. Harmless, community-minded fun, right? Not according to the born-agains and fundies who are appalled that a "pagan" holiday is being celebrated in their midst, and can't seem to shut up about it.

I'm going to go out on a theological limb here and assert that, ancient Celtic practices aside, a 3-year-old dressed like a duck and collecting bite-size Milky Ways in a plastic bucket will not cause a Hellmouth to suddenly open on your street. And I don't think Jesus would get that upset over a little shaving cream in the hair. He'd probably even appreciate a sexy French maid or two. He did hang out with whores and lepers after all.

Oh, and don't think I'm letting you off the hook, Wiccans. If one more of you thinks you're rocking my world by smugly informing me the date of December 25th is "actually a pagan holiday, you know," I'm going to give you a free colon cleansing with a table-top prelit Christmas tree.

Now, outta my way. I have some 50% off candy to gorge on.

The Mark Foley scandal has entered a new phase. Foley has claimed his alcoholism and being molested as a teenager caused him to send sexually explicit emails to underage male Congressional pages. Mr. Foley's lawyer has just released a new list of causes for his client's pervy ways:

• Lactose Intolerance

• Vertigo

• Flat Feet

• Sleep Apnea

• Peanut Allergy

• Body Image Issues

• Epstein-Barr Syndrome

• Astigmatism

• Less Than Perfect Credit

• Toothache

• Toxic Mold

• Dyslexia

• 9/11

Stay tuned for more late-breaking developments and excuses in this case.

Personally, I think she looks like both parents.

... I tried the same technique on Nicole Richie. Keep it up Nicole, you'll get there!