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Bill Maher failed to out key Republicans on his HBO show last Friday, despite promising to do so on Larry King. The FBI has been called in to investigate.

Agents have been working undercover to probe holes and expose cracks in what appears to be a conspiracy by political peter puffers.

Bill Maher told Larry King on Wednesday it is well known in Washington that Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman is a closet jew. When King stated he had never heard that about Mehlman, Maher quipped, "I guess you and I don't go to the same bath houses, Larry. I've seen this faigele's schlong up close and personal. In a bath house. He's either a jew or he had a nasty slip with a potato peeler."

Bush declares "Faith is what our strategy in dealing with N. Korea desperately needs. I've said this before. The Democrats just don't understand country music." Democrats responded by decrying Bush's failed "Texas Hold'em" diplomacy and called for the next Secretary of State to be Carrie Underwood.

Van Halen's Son Joins Band

Mega-band Van Halen announced today that Wolfgang Van Halen, Eddie's 15 year old son, will join the band on tour in 2007 as the new bass player. It will be his first professional gig. It was also reported that young Wolfgang recently went on his first date. He took the Coors Light twins to Dubai in his dad's Gulfstream and spent the weekend at Jackass 2: The Ride.

The Los Angles Police Department responded to a call for help from an asthma victim by chasing him for 20 blocks, tackling him and then punching him in the face until he was able to breathe normally.

Questioned as to why the police used such an extreme response, arresting officer Sgt. Hernia insisted that the force used was appropriate because it was likely that the suspect was carrying an inhaler.

Wal-Mart also will be adding the pills from the movie "The Matrix" to the plan, but will only sell the red pills in blue states and the blue pills in red states.

New studies declare that eating chocolate and drinking red wine prevent heart attacks. It also increases your chances of one night stands with fat chicks.

The vatican reaffirmed today the practice of celibacy for priests and Weezer.

The NFL's all time leading rusher Emmit Smith won Dances with the Stars last night. Emmit stated afterwards, " I am not a dancer. I'm a footbal player that dances with other dancers. That does not make me a dancer!."