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Ken Newton
Ken Newton
"Some People Have Character While Others Are Characters"

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I am a cartoonist/Logo Apparel Salesman/anything else for cash kind of guy. I am a huge baseball fan, Cardinals fan, golfer and big fan of comedians.

Read more of my stuff at kencommandments.blogspot.com
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Hong Kong Phooey...number one super guy.

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Nov 10, 2006
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Cell Phone

209 Jokes  14 Videos

Recently my girlfriend's son lost his phone charger.  So, she got inthe car and went out in search of a new charger to fit his phone.  Most chargers were around $19 to $26 and we were unable to find one that definately fit his phone model.  Then she hopped on the internet to find the one we needed and find the cheapest.  Three or four minutes later she found the charger we needed for $4.99 plus $2.99 for shipping and handling.  Obviously she's very excited she found it and it is very cheap, so she orders it.  Today, the charger is delivered to the house.  It came from Hong Kong.  Why am I telling you about this.  Think about this.  It cost $7.98 for a charger that travelled about 9000 miles which is less than half of what it would cost to run to Wal-Mart and get it.  I get the sense that in Hong Kong and China they make everything for about a penny.  Cell phone, one penny, radio, one penny, toaster oven, one penny, microwave, one penny, new car, one penny, having a charger delivered with all of the cool little Chinese symbols on the label.......priceless

We are the land of free, home of the brave and the market for the most incredible mark-up percentages in the entire world and Mars.  I'm moving to Hong Kong.  You can feed a family of 20 there for like, $3.95 total.  And, it's probably a buffet. 


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Comic Book Convention people

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Oct 30, 2006
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Star Trek

49 Jokes  12 Videos

Recently I represented a paper I draw cartoons for at the Buffalo Comicon.  Obviously out looking for exposure and finding new advertisers for the paper. 

This may suprise you but some comic book people are what you might call....strange.  A lot of comic book people are well over middle age and appear to still live with their parents.  Now, I met a bunch of cool artists that have it together and may even rent their own apartment.  But, the comic book fans.....uh, a little cuckoo.  I could only compare it to a minor league trekkie convention. 

If you read this and say that I am lying, but you are reading this in your mom's basement surrounded by boxes of DC and Marvel comic books and no girlfriend in your near future, maybe you should reevaluate things.  Get out.  Get some sun.  I am a big Spiderman and X-Men fan.  However, my real life is not associated with the characters ever.  It's called.....reality. 

 


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The Funeral of the Century

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jul 7, 2009
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Michael Jackson

202 Jokes  3 Videos

I tried to go down to pay my respects to the King of Pop. I won my ticket online, went to Staples, waited, waited and waited longer. No one came so I just bought some highlighters and a 3 hole punch.

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Sarah Palin says again that she is not quitting....

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jul 15, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Sarah Palin

289 Jokes  8 Videos

Sarah Palin says again that she is not quitting....

She was heard saying "I'm just no longer doing what I was doing before and not taking on any of those responsibilities any longer to make things easier in my life which might sound like quitting but it's really like taking a long vacation that you just kind of never come back from or like breaking up with someone who you never really officially call or talk about breaking up but you both just know that your no longer dating so it's not really quitting you know what I mean?"

NOPE.


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Another Michael Jackson Cheap Shot

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jun 26, 2009
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Michael Jackson

202 Jokes  3 Videos

Another Michael Jackson Cheap Shot

McDonalds added the McJackson Burger on it's menu today.  It's 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns. 

 


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Pinnochio

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Nov 8, 2006
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Video Game

96 Jokes  8 Videos

A favorite pet-peeve of mine is the movie Pinnochio.  You all remember.  The movie about the old man building wooden dolls of boys and little girls.  Then, some fairy comes down and brings him to life.  And, instead of being freaked out by this, the old pervert embraces it and thinks it's ok to send him out into the real world.  "You must go to school".  Yeah, great idea, 11 minutes ago he was a mute wooden boy so you better get him out there to learn math and get his study on.  And, it's always a good idea to give a dude with one foot in the grave a kid.  The rest of the movie is full of bad kids, pinnochio smoking cigars, playing pool and then they turned little kids into donkeys.  Hello!  Am I the only one that sees a problem here.  When this first came out kids must have been mortified.  We try to keep our kids from saying bad words, seeing naked women and playing violent video games.  However, it is ok to send the message that if you're bad you'll turn into a donkey and have to work on mountain for the rest of your life.  Next time we'll talk about the huge lie that is, Santa Claus.


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Volkswagon Jetta

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Dec 3, 2006
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Shopping

135 Jokes  5 Videos

Just a word of warning to those of you shopping for a new car.  I am not sure if you have seen the commercials for the Volkswagon Jetta but they appear to get in a lot of accidents.  You know the commercial, two or three people in the middle of a normal conversation and then WHAM!  Out come the airbags and their bodies flop around like crash dummys.  So go buy a Hummer or big truck to crush the other Jetta's in town. 


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Rumsfeld - Unemployed

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Nov 9, 2006
Category: Political  
From Hot Topic

Donald Rumsfeld

43 Jokes

So Mr. Rumsfeld has been let go.  Sounds like he has a lot of free time now.  Let's send him to Iraq to run around and dodge bullets, car bombs and friendly fire.  We'll make sure he has the best in military body armor.  I have some extra pots, pans and maybe some catcher's equipment.   


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Obama Throws out the First Pitch

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jul 15, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Barack Obama

884 Jokes  28 Videos

Obama Throws out the First Pitch

Ever apparant that Obama has never had a catch with his father, I figured out why he comes off as an arrogant pain in the ass.  He was the last kid picked in pick up games in Hawaii.  "Ok, you guys get Barack"...."We don't want Barack, he throws like a girl.  We'll trade you for the kid with one eye and leg braces." 

 


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Baby Born on Flight - Free Flights For Life

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Airport

444 Jokes  17 Videos

Baby Born on Flight - Free Flights For Life

31 year old Liew Siaw Hsia gave birth to a baby boy on an AirAsia flight to Bourneo Island.  The low cost airline offered the mother and baby free flights for life for the successful birth.  

If that happened in this country, not only would the mother have had to pay for another seat, they would have charged her for her baggage on the placenta.   


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