The other night my girlfriend and I are watching Seinfeld, and the episode happens to be The Gymnast. Then comes that one line where the gymnast tells Jerry of what she'd heard about comedians and their supposed...legendary sexual prowess. Ultimately she tells Jerry: "You may tell jokes, Mr. Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."

I turn to my girlfriend: "So, uh...am I a comedian?"

Her response: "Honey, if you never told another joke in your life, you'd still be the greatest comedian I've ever known."

Ladies, I hope you were taking notes. Because that is how you get your man to take out the trash.

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson." - Rupert Murdoch

Translated: "That's the last time I let Judith Regan's face anywhere near my lap."

I was listening to the radio and a single from Paris Hilton's CD came on. Now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.

I wish I could articulate to my white friends just what Obama's win means to black people in this country. "Oh, I know," they say. "It's just so wonderful!" 

The first ever black president of the United States of America about to set up shop in a headquarters originally built by slaves goes way beyond "wonderful."

To put the magnitude of this moment in perspective: remember how black people reacted when OJ got acquitted?

Okay - picture that...times three.

Question: What's the difference between the War in Iraq and the Star Wars prequels?

Answer: One outlines the manipulation of a corrupt, complacent democracy using a manufactured war to facilitate the rise in power of an evil, oppressive empire...

...and the other has lightsabers.

I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas last year, and have been playing it nonstop. I don't eat, I can't focus, and my right elbow is perpetually sore.

It's like I'm thirteen all over again. 

Political pundit Tucker Carlson recently went on CNN to comment on comedian Jon Stewart's blasting of CNBC, calling him a "partisan hack" and predicting that Stewart would become "so self-serious and sanctimonious that it's just a matter of time before he becomes unfunny."  

Tucker Carlson is of course the former co-host of the CNN program "Crossfire," which had Stewart as a guest back in 2004. During his segment, Stewart had chastised Tucker for his own contribution to political discourse in this country, and also called him, to paraphrase: "a dick in a bowtie."

And the award for Swiftest Comeback goes to...

...and I see that the Democrats have taken the House, swept all the major elections here in New York, elected Massachusetts' first black governor and could very well take the Senate, too.

Which all explains a personal mystery today, because I haven't cum in my sleep in maybe thirteen years.