POPE BENEDICT XVI: And now, our opening prayer. Please recite along, if you know it: "Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Been a long time gone - " Oh, ha-HA, very funny you guys...alright, which one of you did this?

So I'm in the bookstore the other day, and I happen upon a woman openly nursing her baby. Now, I've never actually seen this happen before, but I'll tell you it was interesting. For his part, the baby didn't even look hungry; the woman just whipped it out and slapped'im on.

I'll tell you, it was fascinating and mundane all at once watching this woman engage in a perfectly normal, natural, human bodily function...

And yet when I peed on her, guess who got all mad and called security?

Women. 

A man in Hancock, Michigan was going through boxes in his attic yesterday, and discovered a library book that he checked out on June 2, 1960.

Robert Nuranen promptly returned "Prince of Egypt" to his local library, and when faced with a 47-year-old late fee, asked if they could break a twenty.

I was listening to the radio and a single from Paris Hilton's CD came on. Now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.

Rapper 50 Cent is preparing to release his own brand of condoms.

Insiders expect high sales even in light of reports that each condom will have nine holes in them.

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson." - Rupert Murdoch

Translated: "That's the last time I let Judith Regan's face anywhere near my lap."

Once, for the last fifteen minutes of my lunch break, I decided to stroll through Washington Square Park. As I was heading for the exit in the direction of 8th Street, I noticed a woman walking towards me. She looked very nicely put together - flip flops, jeans, tank top, handbag, the stylish sunglasses, the hair pulled back in a neat pony tail (credit my girlfriend for me noticing crap like that). She looked like she could've been from a Middle Eastern country, Saudi Arabia or Israel or somewhere thereabouts where people have that specific shade of eggshell skin tone...

But the thing that made this a Guy Moment would be embarrassing to admit, if it wasn't both amusing and fascinating as well.

It wasn't until after I noticed she had D-cup breasts that I realized that her left arm was missing from the elbow down.

Question: What's the difference between the War in Iraq and the Star Wars prequels?

Answer: One outlines the manipulation of a corrupt, complacent democracy using a manufactured war to facilitate the rise in power of an evil, oppressive empire...

...and the other has lightsabers.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny debuts today. 

What's interesting to note here is a rare reversal of the usual Hollywood modus operandi; Jack Black has made a feature film out of the TV project that made him famous, but only after appearing in movie after movie to the point where I wish the pudgy little goblin would just go away.

People around the world were devastated this week by the passing of beloved American icon, Homer Jay Simpson.

Waitaminnit...