Lance Bass, when he came out, reassured us that he's a "straight-acting gay... normal guys, who like watching football and drinking beer."

And don't forget sucking cock, Lance. You can drink a keg of Old Milwaukee on the field in the middle of the Super Bowl, but once you're sucking cock, you're about as "straight-acting" as George Michael at a porn star pool party.

A new calendar put out by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute features monthly pinups of "great conservative women" such as Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.

The subtitle of the calendar is, "Where erections go to die."

In a time of disastrous war, unemployment, unheard-of deficits, domestic spying, the erosion of church/state separation, voter fraud, and the ruin of America's reputation, Bush will hold a Rose Garden press conference to endorse the most important issue facing our nation: a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Obviously, the only thing you should be allowed to have up your ass is your head.

The Pope made a speech that cited a reference to Islam as "evil and inhuman," which has inflamed Muslims around the world.

They have responded to this horrifying slander by bombing churches and killing nuns, but evil and inhuman? Surely you jest.

Rush Limbaugh will not be prosecuted for having someone else's prescription of Viagra at an airport. Limbaugh's lawyer, however, said that Rush actually had hoped for the stiffest sentence possible.

Rev. Ted Haggard was accused by a male hustler of paying for sex once a month for three years, and doing crystal meth, while simultaneously preaching against gay sex.

If I did all that, I'd be haggard, too.

The Vatican recently announced that it will be examining Catholic seminaries for evidence of homosexuality. They will also be examining the Atlantic Ocean for evidence of fish.

People outside of America can't understand why Americans re-elected George Bush.

I always say - the country had a nervous breakdown after 9/11, and we would have followed a retarded chimpanzee as our leader. And that's exactly what happened.

Conservatives have proven, conclusively, that they are unable to govern the country because they are serving in an institution, the government, that they fundamentally don't believe in. It's like asking a Rabbi to preach at a Baptist church.

"Let us all bow our heads in prayer to....uh, does it have to be Jesus?? Oy!!"

Ann Coulter visited her gynecologist, and after putting her in the stirrups, the doctor said, "My God, that is a big pussy. That is a big pussy."

Coulter said, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor said, "I didn't."