A new calendar put out by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute features monthly pinups of "great conservative women" such as Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.

The subtitle of the calendar is, "Where erections go to die."

Donald Rumsfeld is stepping down as Secretary of Defense, screaming, "If I can't play with my bomb, I'm going to go home!!!"

In a time of disastrous war, unemployment, unheard-of deficits, domestic spying, the erosion of church/state separation, voter fraud, and the ruin of America's reputation, Bush will hold a Rose Garden press conference to endorse the most important issue facing our nation: a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Obviously, the only thing you should be allowed to have up your ass is your head.

After the New Jersey Supreme Court voted to legalize gay marriage in the state, George W. Bush restated his position that marriage is a "sacred institution."

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, a drunken homeless man picked up a crack whore at Jiggles strip club at 3 a.m. The two went to a wedding chapel where an Elvis impersonator on crystal meth joined them in said sacred institution.

People outside of America can't understand why Americans re-elected George Bush.

I always say - the country had a nervous breakdown after 9/11, and we would have followed a retarded chimpanzee as our leader. And that's exactly what happened.

Conservatives have proven, conclusively, that they are unable to govern the country because they are serving in an institution, the government, that they fundamentally don't believe in. It's like asking a Rabbi to preach at a Baptist church.

"Let us all bow our heads in prayer to....uh, does it have to be Jesus?? Oy!!"

Rev. Ted Haggard was accused by a male hustler of paying for sex once a month for three years, and doing crystal meth, while simultaneously preaching against gay sex.

If I did all that, I'd be haggard, too.

Dick Cheney said that the US doesn't "torture," but that we have a "robust interrogation program."

Your honor, I didn't "rape" her, we just had a "robust exchange of fluids."

The Pope made a speech that cited a reference to Islam as "evil and inhuman," which has inflamed Muslims around the world.

They have responded to this horrifying slander by bombing churches and killing nuns, but evil and inhuman? Surely you jest.

Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick relax on the sidelines