The recent past should show that conservatives can't govern all that well. Because they're serving in an institution, a government that they don't believe in very much. It's like asking a Rabbi to preach at a Baptist church.

"Let us all bow our heads in prayer to... does it have to be Jesus?"

I went to a Jewish resaurant. The waiter came over and said, "Is everything OK?" A woman kept screaming at the waiter, "More rolls! More rolls!" The waiter said, "What, are the ones in your handbag stale?"

I went to a Chinese restaurant in a Jewish neighborhood. All the fortune cookies contained complaints.

I'll be here all week.

For his birthday, my nephew got one of those video games where you can pretend that you are Lee Harvey Oswald and assassinate JFK in the Dallas motorcade.

I think that is absolutely outrageous.

I think you should be able to PICK the president.

... How would you answer the phone?

Lance Bass, when he came out, reassured us that he's a "straight-acting gay... normal guys, who like watching football and drinking beer."

And don't forget sucking cock, Lance. You can drink a keg of Old Milwaukee on the field in the middle of the Super Bowl, but once you're sucking cock, you're about as "straight-acting" as George Michael at a porn star pool party.

When he was arrested for drunk driving, Mel Gibson said, "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

He then announced his next film, "Lethal Mezuzza."

While attending the G8 Summit in Russia, Bush remarked that it takes him eight hours to fly home. Russia is big and so is China.

Bush then said, "I want to thank my third grade class that brought me here. Long way home. Big world, mommy."

An Upper East Side man in New York, upset with his divorce, blew up the building so his wife wouldn't get it in the settlement. There are many ways to say, "I love you," but only one way to say, "Take that, bitch!"

I just got back from New Orleans. I was walking to the French Quarter at night, and I asked a cop, "What's the safest way in there?" The cop said, "You want a safe way into the Quarter? OK, you're gonna turn around, and go right back where you came from."

The people there have a great sense of humor about everything. I saw a shirt that said, "My Parents Swam For Their Lives And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

Some gay friends of mine live in a FEMA trailer with hardwood floors and granite countertops.

Rush Limbaugh will not be prosecuted for having someone else's prescription of Viagra at an airport. Limbaugh's lawyer, however, said that Rush actually had hoped for the stiffest sentence possible.