Madden ‘07 cover boy Shaun Alexander is sidelined with a foot injury continuing the Madden Curse. John, if you’re planning the 2008 cover, I’d like to suggest Paris Hilton.

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler admitted he suffered a three-year battle with hepatitis, shocking his fans who thought he'd had it much longer than that.

America’s loss in the Ryder compliments their losses in the Davis Cup, the World Cup, the World Basketball Championships, the Olympics, and the dollar.

The last time the Americans won an international competition was the Persian Gulf.

Mel Gibson criticized the Iraq war during a recent press conference, saying they we shouldn't be shedding needless blood over there. Which makes sense, since they hate Jews, too.

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens is denying that his recent trip to the hospital was a suicide attempt saying he couldn’t possibly find time to kill himself when he’s too busy killing Dallas’ season.

The University of Phoenix bought the naming rights to the Arizona Cardinals' new stadium. The move will honor the Cardinals’ long tradition of mediocrity. The stadium is just like a degree from the University of Phoenix - shiny on the outside, empty on the inside.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie ended their feud, saying that friendship is much more important than not making a fifth season of The Simple Life.

Damn. I was kind of hoping that when they burried the hatchet, it'd be in each other's foreheads.

US forces invaded an Iranian office in Iraq, further confusing Americans who can't tell the difference between the two countries.

MySpace is arranging a series of concerts to benefit Sudan. Many MySpacers who already bought tickets were dismayed to discover that Sudan is not Brad and Angelina’s new baby.

A charter jet company is suing Jennifer Lopez for almost $35K, alleging she defaulted on payments for two flights. Lopez took to flying after survivng the train wrecks of "Gigli" and "Monster-In-Law."