"And the devil came here yesterday. Right here at this podium. And it smells of sulfur still today."

No one bothered to mention the true source of the sulfur smell. Chavez had just enjoyed a traditional Venezuelan meal, and several people in the front row found it necessary to light a match.

The International Space Station, apparently upset about a recent spat of bad press, has formed itself into a gun and begun firing on the planet Earth.

This guy clears up the debate.

Despite the ice age and competition from the evolving Homo sapiens, scientists say new findings mean that Neanderthals (Homo neanderthalensis) survived at least 2,000 years longer than once thought—and they had plenty of chances to co-mingle.

With psychologically devastating results.

Al Qaeda's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri, condemned the U.S. in a new video, accusing our country of stealing oil.

"We must focus on stopping the theft of the Muslim-plundered petrol," he said.

Petrol?

Oh, I know who you are, Zawahiri, you're one of those guys who spends a little time in England, and then you get all British on everybody. I suppose when you have friends over they come to your "flat." Do you guys sit down for tea and crumpets? Smashing. Do you go to the "loo?" If someone has a car bomb with them, do you suggest they just "put it in the boot?"

You know what? You're not fooling anybody, Ayman al-Cheerio. Why don't you trim that beard and get yourself a tweed coat and a pipe. Knock back a few pints with Richard Harris and Peter O'Toole. Share a bag of "crisps." Then we'll talk.

The Boy Scouts of America, who have enjoyed a rent-free headquarters in the city for 70 years, may have to start paying—because of city officials' opposition to the Scouts policy against gay scout leaders.

Meanwhile, no one is really sure who this guy is in the official Boy Scout statue, but one wonders about his orientation.

The 75 scholars who call themselves The 9/11 for Truth Movement have long said that Osama Bin Laden was not involved in the World Trade Center attack.

Now, they have settled on a main suspect—Jason Bourne's girlfriend.

"I don't believe she died in that sequel," said Ray Griffin, emeritus professor at Claremont University, "Why would they kill her off like that, at the very beginning? She was the best part of the first one."

Professor Ian Neal, who helped form the British chapter of the group, agreed. "What was she even doing for a living before she met Jason Bourne?" said Neal, "just driving around Europe in that little car of hers? I don't think so. Gas is $7 a gallon over here."

Neal admitted that he did not see the film when it came out, but it recently arrived in the mail from Netflix. "I don't even remember putting it in my queue," he said. "That alone got the hairs on my neck up."

The group, while fairly confident of their new theory, said to rest assured that their quest for the truth would not stop there. "I still have my suspicions about that 'Dude, you're getting a Dell' guy," said professor Griffin. "He was everywhere, and then... nowhere. Do they think we are not paying attention?"

According to what was described by USC as a groundbreaking study, Dr. Drew Pinsky has determined that celebrities are more narcissistic than the general population, and people with narcissistic tendencies seem to be attracted to the entertainment industry.

For his next groundbreaking study, Dr. Drew will attempt to prove his thesis that fat people weigh more than skinny people.

About Dr. Drew Pinsky:
A medical doctor, board-certified addictionologist and relationship expert whose experience spans over 20 years. When not hosting his own radio and television programs, he can often be found gazing into his own reflection in the backyard pool of his hollywood home.

48-year-old talk-show host Ellen Degeneres stopped her 2006 Porsche Carrera at a light, which was then hit by a 52-year-old woman driving a 2002 Porsche Carrera.

Police considered pressing charges, but Degeneres' spokesperson disagreed, saying, "What two consenting Porsche Carreras want to to do with one another in broad daylight is none of our business."

The happy couple.