"I'm just glad I wasn't drunk at the time," said our nation's leader.

He'll be picking up white trash along Florida's coastline. 

LONG BEACH, N.Y. - A high school principal has decreed that Captain Underpants has no place in an institution of learning. Three 17-year-old girls were told to leave Long Beach High School on Wednesday after they showed up on Superhero Day costumed as the subject of the best-selling children's books.

To avoid expulsion, the girls insisted they were dressed as Mahatma Gandhi, only fatter and with a red cape.

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict gave Catholics four new saints Sunday, bestowing the honor on a 19th-century nun who struggled on the American frontier, a bishop who tended to the wounded during the Mexican Revolution, an Italian clergyman and Tom from MySpace.

"I didn't realize it was a popularity contest," said Kramnik. 

BEIJING (Reuters) - Humans are stripping nature at an unprecedented rate and will need two planets' worth of natural resources every year by 2050 on current trends, the WWF conservation group said on Tuesday.

Looks like we'll be needing Pluto after all.

LIGHTHOUSE POINT, Fla. - An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stabbed him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said.

While some believe it was a "freak accident," Homeland Security is investigating the attack, fearing that a rash of "copycat" stingrays have been emboldened by the successful take down of Steve Irwin.

Authorities also warned boaters to remove bags of Purina Sting Ray Chow from their vessels as a precautionary measure.

Rapper Snoop Dogg has been arrested for possession of a firearm and marijuana, found in a search of his car at the LA airport.

An LAPD spokesperson issued a brief statement to MTV News: "Snoop had steel and trees in his whip, but we got ownage of that. It's poondizzled."
 

BBC News reports cell transplants have successfully restored vision to mice which had lost their sight.

Next project: Restoring tails cut off by carving knives.