"I'd like to support my new brother in arms, Cosmo Kramer, for getting our message out there, but I could never bring a title like that back to the clubhouse," junior Klansman Earl Shiflett was overheard saying to a local Blockbuster employee."Could you recommend some of his work that doesn't sound so Jewey?"

Recently, several people have gotten in trouble for selling access to Hezbollah TV in the US, which has banned the station after designating Hezbollah a terrorist organization.

However, I must admit that my curiosity was piqued, and after a long search I finally pointed my satellite dish in the right direction. The following are my 5 favorite Hezbollah TV shows:

5. No Deal or No Deal
4. Survivor: Beirut
3. Desperate Jihadists
2. VH1: Behind the Explosives
1. Two and a Half Jews

*Addendum- added 10/19/06:
 Today I heard Bill Maher use the No Deal or No Deal joke on Real Time, refering to an Iraqi TV show,  so don't think I stole it from him, because I wrote this at least 2 weeks ago.  Just know that I'm as funny as he is, only sooner...Tim

A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.

When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.

In a press release today, Michael J. Fox announced plans to battle a human embryo live on  Pay Per View, for the rights to its stem cells. 

"Apparently my shaky pleas for help are not getting through to the American public," Fox said.  "After they see me give that embryo a beat down on national television, they will understand that a Hollywood celebrity is superior to some unaccomplished fetus wannabe."

Rush Limbaugh is in talks to provide color commentary on the fight, and Fox has promised to be "off his meds" for the contest. 

Introducing...The Venetian Veil!

Wear the blinds up for complete Western assimiliation, but when those pesky morality police come poking around, simply tug, pull to the left, and presto! Instant Muslim old school.

Karl Rove, in an attempt to mobilize the Republican base for today's election, sings the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard for reporters.

Team celebrates by hiring strippers.

Former undisputed heavyweight champ Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield came out of retirement this past weekend at age 43, but due to being pummeled many thousands of times in the head, the former champ mistakingly staged his comeback as a male figure skater.

"None of us had the heart to tell him that he was never a figure skater, much less the "champ" that he was boasting he was in warm-ups," said a fellow competitor." Also, he's a very big man, and we're small and gay."

Holyfield placed dead last in the competition, but he did win best costume in an online poll.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard.

In his concession speech, Dobson said, "Haggard was much gayer than he had first assessed and combined with the meth habit... well, this supercharged homo is more than I'm trained to handle."

Dobson wished the rest of the team good luck and God speed and that there was still hope that the disgraced former pastor could be de-gayed.