A Squirrel that has been attacking people for the past week in Winter Park, FL, has finally been captured and put down. After testing negative for rabies, doctors have suggested the squirrel had some chemical imbalance or injury that caused his aggressive behavior.

After some investigating of my own, I have an alternate theory based on the tiny journal I found buried beneath an oak near the site of the attacks. Below are the last few tiny entries.

August 9^th
My intelligence continues to escalate daily. I can only assume that in addition to Darwin's process of natural selection, evolution also likes to throw the dice if you will, and my highly accelerated acumen is just that, a trial run of a random variation. I've been reading everything I can get my paws on, mostly discarded newspapers. I'm becoming increasingly despondent at the behavior of human beings outside these walls.

August 10^th
Today I attacked a five-year-old boy and bit him fiercely. It seems the more intelligent I become, the more enraged I feel. Normally a human child would seem harmless at best, and possibly offer a food source to me, but now I see into the depths of the child, to the seed of evil that lies in its heart of darkness. It just felt right to bite him.

August 11^th
Humans clearly are a virus and I have taken an oath to rid the planet of them. I've tried to communicate this to the other squirrels, but of course they are too stupid to see past their instincts enough to see the human for the plague that it is. Tomorrow I will attack again.

August 12^th
Today I attacked another child and, unable to destroy it, I retreated. I fear that I will be captured soon, or worse. If another squirrel of my ilk finds these pages, then let them inspire you to continue the fight. Don't be fooled by the human's acts of kindness and nut-giving. Outside these trees and bushes they are evil creatures. We must rise up and cast them out. Our very survival depends on it. Into battle, my furry brethren.

Authors Note: Don't expect to see this story in the mainstream press. And perhaps they're right. If the public knew about the true number of genius animal attacks, there might be a panic. But stay on guard. The next time your crossword puzzle finishes itself while sitting on the park bench, you may be in grave danger.

Team celebrates by hiring strippers.

In a knee jerk response to Barack Obama's announcement that he will explore a run for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton signed on as a junior member of the Ku Klux Klan.

In a low key ceremony in her home state of Arkansas, Hillary was inducted as an honorary klansman, ostensibly hoping to put some fear in the heart of her potential rival.

A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.

When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.

Today an angry driver was tailgating me as I was not travelling fast enough for his taste. As he passed me he gave me the finger. As he drove past, I noticed this sign in the back window of his station wagon.

Dear Sir:
Sadly, you have lost control of your life. Your non-decision to allow this sign to be placed in your vehicle tells me all I need to know about your family life.

Specifically, you have been emotionally and psychologically neutered by your controlling wife and children, and no longer have the courage to remove this sign even when they aren't in the car. Your deeply suppressed testoterone manifests itself as road rage, but your gesture coupled with this sign only comes off as a pathetic grasp to regain your manhood. May I suggest you take control of your household sir, and be the man you have lost. Merely removing the sign will not do. Leave the sign, but you must kill all the ferrets in your house and then hang them by the rear view mirror in your vehicle. Only then will your finger receive the respect it deserves.

Dear Tim,

I'm deeply confused about the self-outing of 'N Sync member Lance Bass. I was an 'N Sync groupie and I once gave Lance a hand job in their tour bus after a show in Appleton, WI. He seemed to like it, and although I'd had a lot of Bacardi and GHB that night, I remember him being erect and nearly having an orgasm.

It was truly the highlight of high school for me, but now I feel betrayed and bewildered by his declaration of homosexuality. After the special night we had, how could Lance be gay? And how could I ever trust a boy band again?

~Sick in Seattle

Dear Sick,

First, just being a member of a boy band is, on one level, inherently gay. Whether the members take it all the way to the gay sex level is a personal choice, but they've all taken the first steps on the path to Gayville.

If you're going to feel betrayed by anyone, let it be the media. They mystify these almost-gays with billboards and music videos, and fool adolescent girls into believing that boys who sing and dance are somehow not gay—but the ideal companion. This is a mighty con job, and you shouldn't feel bad to have been fooled by it. Lance's erection that night can only be attributed to his many sneek-peeks of Justin's sweet, pink ass in the bunk above him.

You should never again put your heterosexual hopes in any member of a boy band. Instead, I suggest you devote your time and hand job energy to performers that need your expertise, like comedians.

You're welcome,

Tim :)

After winning his 10th major this Sunday in a stunnning performance, Tiger Woods offered to solve the current crisis in the Middle East. "Let's put things in perspective here guys," Tiger told an adoring press in the clubhouse, "I just shot a 5 under 67 and only used my driver once. I'm sure I can solve a 4000-year-old dispute."

In a press release today, Michael J. Fox announced plans to battle a human embryo live on  Pay Per View, for the rights to its stem cells. 

"Apparently my shaky pleas for help are not getting through to the American public," Fox said.  "After they see me give that embryo a beat down on national television, they will understand that a Hollywood celebrity is superior to some unaccomplished fetus wannabe."

Rush Limbaugh is in talks to provide color commentary on the fight, and Fox has promised to be "off his meds" for the contest.