Penguin Olympic hopefuls forced to shift focus from ice dancing to synchronized swimming.

A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the U.S. government discriminates against blind people by printing paper money that cannot be distinguished by feel. 

He also ruled that paper money discriminates against stupid people by requiring them to count and against poor people by not magically appearing in their pockets.

NBC news recently announced that, for the sake of accuracy, the network would now begin to refer to the conflict in Iraq as "a civil war." 

The network then said that, for the same reasons, it would now refer to George Bush as "a blithering idiot."

Pop singer, Whitney Houston is more than one-million dollars behind on the mortgage of her New Jersey mansion.    Amazing how, in one year, Whitney has experienced difficulties with both possession and repossession.

Late Thursday, the Senate overwhelmingly approved a bill allowing the United States to send nuclear fuel and technology to India.

If experience with Iraq and Iran is any indicator, it’ll only be about twenty years before we have to bomb India to get them back.

O.J. Simpson has written a new book about the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman called, "If I Did It."

His next goal is to write sequels entitled, "If Basketball Players Are Tall" and, "If Water is Wet."

Scientists announced Monday that they have developed a t-shirt that turns the strumming of an air guitar into music.  An engineer on the project says, “It’s an easy-to-use, virtual instrument that allows real-time music making even by players without musical skills.”

The company also revealed that they could be certain of this because the device had first been tested on Kevin Federline.

A recent Stanford University study concludes that sleep deprivation has the same effect on people as does being legally drunk. 

On hearing this, frat boys all over the country reminisced about that time that sleep deprivation made them hook up with the ugly girl and then vomit on her couch.