North Face has invented new, high-tech running shoes that can be tied simply by turning a knob.

The perfect gift for people who are too lazy to tie their own shoes, yet love exercise.

A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the U.S. government discriminates against blind people by printing paper money that cannot be distinguished by feel. 

He also ruled that paper money discriminates against stupid people by requiring them to count and against poor people by not magically appearing in their pockets.

Nevada’s governor’s race took a scandalous turn this week when a cocktail waitress accused a candidate, Rep. Jim Gibbons, of trying to sexually assault her in a parking garage in Las Vegas.

Gibbons responded immediately by announcing he was gay, abused as a child and an alcoholic. When that didn’t work, he accused the waitress of harboring weapons of mass destruction.

The DEA has issued a warning that criminals are currently manufacturing knives that shoot bullets. A brilliant notion, really. Disguising weapons as... OTHER weapons.

The criminals are next developing a plan to disguise heroin as crack-cocaine. Genius.

The International Astronomical Union made the decision today that Pluto is no longer a planet.

Ironically, this occurred just one day after Paramount Pictures made the decision that Tom Cruise is no longer a star.

As part of a $200 million a year advertising contract, the Army has a new slogan: “Army Strong.”

Just think, for only another $50 million, they probably could have bought a slogan with a verb.

The verdict is still out on KFC's intentions toward lesbian, gay, and bisexual fats.

NBC news recently announced that, for the sake of accuracy, the network would now begin to refer to the conflict in Iraq as "a civil war." 

The network then said that, for the same reasons, it would now refer to George Bush as "a blithering idiot."

Pop singer, Whitney Houston is more than one-million dollars behind on the mortgage of her New Jersey mansion.    Amazing how, in one year, Whitney has experienced difficulties with both possession and repossession.