“American Idol's” Carrie Underwood is the latest celebrity to appear as a spokesman for the Oklahoma Library Association’s, “Read, Ya’ll” literacy campaign. Unfortunately, no celebrities have yet to join Oklahoma’s other educational campaign, “Math, Bitches!”

OJ Simpson will appear in a 2 hour TV special on Fox this month to reveal “how we would have” killed his ex-wife and her friend 12 years ago “if he were the one responsible.” OJ also announced he has a rare condition in which he mistakes sentences in the subjunctive for the indicative.

Oh, snap!

I have a huge bug problem in my apartment.  One morning I woke up and there was a roach on the pillow next to me.  I thought, "Oh God, did I just fuck Gregor Samsa?" This guy knows what I'm talking about.

But growing up in a mixed-robot neighborhood, I noticed things.  White robots are all like "1011011."  But black robots are all like "0100100!"  Right?  This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I just saw they now sell an energy drink called Coca-Cola Blak.  It's has the taste of regular Coke, but with only 3/5 the vote. 

I told that joke, and someone came up to me and said the logic was wrong.  He said, "Your parents bought you the Nintendo 64, not Santa Claus." I said, "Okay," because, you know, I am vaguely aware of the actual economic underpinnings of Christmas.  He continued, "But you know God is real because he gave you life!"

No... that was also my parents.

Even though I'm only half-Jewish, I still suffer from anti-semitism.  Just recently, I walked into a bathroom and written on the wall were the words, "I HATE JEWS."  And when I saw those words, I was so upset.  All I could think was, "Oh my God... I need to get new roommates."

I wish love were easier.  Meaning I wish women were easier.

So I recently saw an ad for a strip club.  It said, "We do parties! Birthday parties, Bachelor Parties, and Divorce Parties!" Huh. After a divorce, do you really want to give more money to a woman who'll never have sex with you?