OJ Simpson will appear in a 2 hour TV special on Fox this month to reveal “how we would have” killed his ex-wife and her friend 12 years ago “if he were the one responsible.” OJ also announced he has a rare condition in which he mistakes sentences in the subjunctive for the indicative.

Oh, snap!

“American Idol's” Carrie Underwood is the latest celebrity to appear as a spokesman for the Oklahoma Library Association’s, “Read, Ya’ll” literacy campaign. Unfortunately, no celebrities have yet to join Oklahoma’s other educational campaign, “Math, Bitches!”

I just saw they now sell an energy drink called Coca-Cola Blak.  It's has the taste of regular Coke, but with only 3/5 the vote. 

So I recently saw an ad for a strip club.  It said, "We do parties! Birthday parties, Bachelor Parties, and Divorce Parties!" Huh. After a divorce, do you really want to give more money to a woman who'll never have sex with you?

I’m lucky to be in a relationship.  I was alone for so long.  I was alone for so long that I would see two homeless people kissing and think, “Boy, do they have it good.”  It is awkward, though, when you see two homeless people making out.  You want to say something, but you know you really can’t tell them to get a room. 

Bush also refuses to refer to Iraq as a civil war.  It pisses me off, but I'm not surprised: the White House still refers to the American Civil War as the "War of Northern Aggression."

I keep hearing Bush say "Iraq's entering a new phase."  A new phase?  What the hell does that even mean?  "Don't worry, Iraq.  You're entering a new phase.  All that blood just means you're finally becoming a woman."

You know what disgusts me?  There's Christmas porn.  And it's always nasty.  It's always like, "Anal Santa: He's Coming Down Your Chimney." And they're all like that.  Santa's Ho, Ho, Hos, Santa's Sleigh Sluts.  Santa, Santa, Santa.  It's so frustrating, because don't they know Christmas is about Jesus?  Although, people would be pissed if there were a porn about Jesus.  I don't see why, everyone knows he got nailed.

A judge in Delaware has ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10-year-old girl to wear a T-shirt with the words, “I am a registered sex offender.” I just hope Urban Outfitters has his size.