“American Idol's” Carrie Underwood is the latest celebrity to appear as a spokesman for the Oklahoma Library Association’s, “Read, Ya’ll” literacy campaign. Unfortunately, no celebrities have yet to join Oklahoma’s other educational campaign, “Math, Bitches!”

OJ Simpson will appear in a 2 hour TV special on Fox this month to reveal “how we would have” killed his ex-wife and her friend 12 years ago “if he were the one responsible.” OJ also announced he has a rare condition in which he mistakes sentences in the subjunctive for the indicative.

Oh, snap!

I was reading this article about Intelligent Design.  This one guy said, "We know evolution is fake; Americans aren't gullible enough to believe we came from monkeys."  True, but it seems Americans are stupid enough to believe they came from magic.

I’m lucky to be in a relationship.  I was alone for so long.  I was alone for so long that I would see two homeless people kissing and think, “Boy, do they have it good.”  It is awkward, though, when you see two homeless people making out.  You want to say something, but you know you really can’t tell them to get a room. 

Bush also refuses to refer to Iraq as a civil war.  It pisses me off, but I'm not surprised: the White House still refers to the American Civil War as the "War of Northern Aggression."

Have you read the Bible?  God's like a college RA.  He's never around unless it's to fuck up a good time. 

But people get offended when I say I'm an atheist.  Someone told me that "God is inside you."

Well, great.  Now God's my Uncle Chad after two drinks.