“American Idol's” Carrie Underwood is the latest celebrity to appear as a spokesman for the Oklahoma Library Association’s, “Read, Ya’ll” literacy campaign. Unfortunately, no celebrities have yet to join Oklahoma’s other educational campaign, “Math, Bitches!”

I just saw they now sell an energy drink called Coca-Cola Blak.  It's has the taste of regular Coke, but with only 3/5 the vote. 

OJ Simpson will appear in a 2 hour TV special on Fox this month to reveal “how we would have” killed his ex-wife and her friend 12 years ago “if he were the one responsible.” OJ also announced he has a rare condition in which he mistakes sentences in the subjunctive for the indicative.

Oh, snap!

A new study claims that doctors could cut the rate of sexually transmitted diseases in half by circumcising all baby boys. But only if they do it wrong.

But growing up in a mixed-robot neighborhood, I noticed things.  White robots are all like "1011011."  But black robots are all like "0100100!"  Right?  This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I’m lucky to be in a relationship.  I was alone for so long.  I was alone for so long that I would see two homeless people kissing and think, “Boy, do they have it good.”  It is awkward, though, when you see two homeless people making out.  You want to say something, but you know you really can’t tell them to get a room. 

Ever notice that the longer you date someone, the shorter the story of how you met becomes?  The first month, it's so romantic.  You're like, "Well, she was renovating her kitchen, and she knew a friend of mine, and my friend said that I could lend her a hand, so she called me, and I came in, and she told me that she had to pay me, or she'd feel really bad, but we talked a lot and we really hit it off."

After about six months, it gets shorter. You're like, "She was renovating her apartment, and she needed a little extra help, so she gave me a job lending her a hand."

After two years, you just take the shortest route. "She gave me a hand job."

I keep hearing Bush say "Iraq's entering a new phase."  A new phase?  What the hell does that even mean?  "Don't worry, Iraq.  You're entering a new phase.  All that blood just means you're finally becoming a woman."

I never saw snow until I was 18.  I grew up near Miami, so the first time I saw a snowball fight, I thought, "Why are all these kids playing in cocaine?"