Capped & Corked

William Shatner was arrested earlier today after causing an incident onboard an American Airlines flight bound for New York. After twisting his body upwards, creating wild hand gestures and frightening passengers by indicating to his seat window with bug eyed bewilderment, he eventually grabbed an air steward and screamed "There’s..........SOMETHING....On the wing!!"  

Shatner is currently being questioned by authoritys although many believe alcohol consumption to be the cause of todays outburst. Another passenger claimed he was "Shat-Faced Drunk" at the time 

ROOMMATES MADNESS

During my set I talk about my room mate John who is mentaly unbalanced and suffers with Alcoholism. Most people think I put up with him becuase he is a fellow Irishman. Wrong! He scares me! I want him to leave but am affraid to ask. Above is john having a costume party in the appartment, on his own......Its not even halloween, its Febuary 25th!! John has great skills such as Drinkning, playing the Bass Guitar and is a cracking shot with a Rifle. Multitasking (Drinking & Shooting) is not a skill he pocesses. Several horrificaly injured deer and other such game that survived although somewhat tramatised in upstate New York is evidence of this. 

Some animals even survived with down right embarrising injurys like a bullet hole through the ear or had a nervous breakdown 

INTERNET ON FIRE

Kate Burns of London, was charged with Cyberspace Arson yesterday after she purposly attached a frozen explosion (see above) to a smoldering Resume and emailed it at superheated temperatures to the Human Resources Department at a British Petroleum Website. After spending the night in a Spam Filter all hell broke loose as an early morning employee opened it and had her face flash baked. The cyberfire then spread throughout the system torching everything in its path. As the World Wide Web battles the blaze Amazon.com, Myspace, and Itunes have since evaporated and all porn sites are currently being evacuated. Below is a picture taken from space and shows the extent of the fire as it reaches all corners of the globe

Currently there have been no reported deaths but several people have been injured. Stay tuned..

Gary Weddle told CNN that he won't shave until Osama bin Laden is captured.

His wife Tracey Weddle says she won't stop freaking men out with her weightlifting until her husband starts shaving again.

BENTO, THE ALBINO KANGEROO DEAD AT 67YRS

Bento, an Albino Kangeroo that was originaly part of the Siegfried and Roy Team before being ousted at the last minute by "Ice" the Albino tiger, passed away peacfully this evening in his hometown of Kalgoorlie, Western Australia. Bento who could Box, Dance, and had 15 Cubic Gallons of storage space in her front pouch performed with the magic team in the early days around the streets of Berlin, Germany. Times were hard but Bento battled not only predudice due to her lack of color but also homesickness. She was dropped Ten days before their first contract was to be signed stating that Siegfried and Roy wanted to bring an edge to their show and pulling rabits from a kangeroos pouch just wasnt cutting it. Siegfried and Roy also accused Bento of being a Holocaust Denier to the dismay of her trainers. Bentos life long Vetenarian, Bob Cooper, had the following to say " Its a shame to see a great talent leave us but she lived a full life. I think Siegfried and Roy treated her badly with the rumours and all, but you could see it in her eyes, the rejection everytime those Bum Bandits were on TV arse`n about. I could never see Bento turning on them like that tiger did"

Siegfried and Roy were not available for comment

Picture below Ice, Siegfried and Roy

TRAFFIC WATCH

A photpgraph showing the Long Island Expresway moving backwards was deemed authentic by officials yesterday. Apparently it is due to "Paracycloptic Inversion" a growing concern which happens when tailgating reaches a tipping point and causes a traffic jam to fold backwards on itself at the sub atomic level. Although extremly disturbing to watch, people in transit will notice nothing and side effects are rare. Only two cases of which have been noted and included a "Burst Chest" and "Twisted Ribs".

Earlier this morning The Southen State Parkway was sexualy assaulted by a man carrying a Sponge Hammer at exits 23, 24A and 26. Commuters are told to make alternate routes

Colins Driving Tips: Cant afford a Car Alarm! Dont worry! After parking your car in a dodgy neighbourhood place a fake pair of legs out from underneath your vehicle and sprinkle some repair tools around.