Scientist's define "Hope" as awkward bumbling inadequate limb performance that embarrasses able bodied people at dinner parties and such social occasions

Side effects of using a Bionic Limb to bend a usually unbendable object for example, will result in it being done so in slow motion to the sound of “Dicka - Dicka – Dicka – Dicka.......”

President Describes New Buldings as "Oooohhhh Wonderful"

(Below) Irish News Anchor Ann Doyle discussing downed power lines in a Dublin suburb. If you don’t understand what’s going on it's your problem

(Below) Average Fox News headline reaching out to the lowest common intellectual denominator. If you don’t understand what’s going on there is no hope for you 

Colin's True Stories

I was going for a walk tonight at a local park that shall remain nameless. The local community had turned out candles in hand to take part in a memorial consisting of singers and speakers to comment upon the events of 9/11. As I walked the perimeter of the park I seen people from all walks of life pay their respects in many ways varying from utmost sincerity and deep routed sadness to joking around with the Ice-cream Salesman. I stopped on a small hill and looked down upon a sea of lights as the locals swayed their candles side to side to the singers finishing tune. Another speaker was invited up to talk to the crowd. Not being an American I was very interested in the whole event. The speaker turned to the crowd and said "We have all being effected by what happened here Five years ago today, a date that will live on, September 9th.....!!!...uuurgh, excuse me..I mean September 11^th...."

I never seen a swaying sea of lights grind to a halt before. I went home and rechecked all my appointment and bill payment dates just in case

Capped & Corked

William Shatner was arrested earlier today after causing an incident onboard an American Airlines flight bound for New York. After twisting his body upwards, creating wild hand gestures and frightening passengers by indicating to his seat window with bug eyed bewilderment, he eventually grabbed an air steward and screamed "There’s..........SOMETHING....On the wing!!"  

Shatner is currently being questioned by authoritys although many believe alcohol consumption to be the cause of todays outburst. Another passenger claimed he was "Shat-Faced Drunk" at the time 

ROOMMATES MADNESS

During my set I talk about my room mate John who is mentaly unbalanced and suffers with Alcoholism. Most people think I put up with him becuase he is a fellow Irishman. Wrong! He scares me! I want him to leave but am affraid to ask. Above is john having a costume party in the appartment, on his own......Its not even halloween, its Febuary 25th!! John has great skills such as Drinkning, playing the Bass Guitar and is a cracking shot with a Rifle. Multitasking (Drinking & Shooting) is not a skill he pocesses. Several horrificaly injured deer and other such game that survived although somewhat tramatised in upstate New York is evidence of this. 

Some animals even survived with down right embarrising injurys like a bullet hole through the ear or had a nervous breakdown 

INTERNET ON FIRE

Kate Burns of London, was charged with Cyberspace Arson yesterday after she purposly attached a frozen explosion (see above) to a smoldering Resume and emailed it at superheated temperatures to the Human Resources Department at a British Petroleum Website. After spending the night in a Spam Filter all hell broke loose as an early morning employee opened it and had her face flash baked. The cyberfire then spread throughout the system torching everything in its path. As the World Wide Web battles the blaze Amazon.com, Myspace, and Itunes have since evaporated and all porn sites are currently being evacuated. Below is a picture taken from space and shows the extent of the fire as it reaches all corners of the globe

Currently there have been no reported deaths but several people have been injured. Stay tuned..