British scientists have applied for a patent to create a hybrid embryo of a human and a cow. The embryo would be used for stem cell research before being released to shop for a flat screen TV at Wal-Mart.

Scientists have found that the hot air from hair dryers has been effective in killing head lice. "Unfortunately," said one, "the mullet remains resistant."

Hispanics may be the swing vote in several of Tuesday’s close elections. In an attempt to woo Latino voters, candidates like Heather Wilson (R-New Mexico) are learning to speak Spanish and behead chickens.

On Monday, four military newspapers- Army Times, Air Force Times, Navy Times and Marine Corps Times will call for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld.

"Guess what bitches," said Rumsfeld, "I still got the Coast Guard Gazette."

People magazine explains, "It's exciting to finally run that cover we mocked up after the 'Doogie' pilot premiered."

A federal website posted documents that displayed blueprints on how to build an atom bomb. A scientist at Livermore Lab said the documents "would be helpful" to nations like Iran, while President Bush said, "Great! Can we invade now?"

Christian leader Paul Haggard has resigned from the National Association of Evangelicals, amid charges that he had sex with a male prostitute. Said Haggard, “I was caught with my hand in the cocky jar."