America plans five days of mourning for President Ford, followed by two days of explaining who he was.

Senator Arlen Spector said he wants to give Iran's President Ahmadinejad, "a piece of my mind."

He then mumbled, "you punk. Why I outta..." before walking away.

President Gerald Ford died on Tuesday. His last words were, “Watch my impression of Chevy Chase’s career.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg while skiing. Said the governor, "Pretty good, considering I'm only a Kennedy by marriage."

Iran’s oil profits may dry up by 2015. President Ahmadinejad warned that Iran’s economic woes could make it “unstable” and “friendly towards Jews.”

The military is so strapped for soldiers that it may begin recruiting foreigners. Explained Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, "They'd primarily come from a land called Mercenaria."

Starting in May, China will prohibit overweight people from adopting its children. Fat Americans are advised to try India or Weight Watchers.

An athlete who placed second in the women's 800 meters was forced to give back her medal because, "She did not possess the characteristics of a woman."

Said an official, "We knew something was wrong when Christopher Hitchens thought she was funny."