Kim Jong Il apologized for testing a nuclear weapon. When asked to explain his actions, he said, “Uh... I'm an alcoholic?”

Starting in May, China will prohibit overweight people from adopting its children. Fat Americans are advised to try India or Weight Watchers.

Today, September 11th, America mourns the 5^th anniversary of the launch of Ann Coulter’s literary career.

-Sept. 11, 2006

MTV is trying to shake up the VMAs. Producers are encouraging audience members to jump onstage and create a "water cooler moment." Of course, if MTV really wanted to shake things up, they could play a music video.

According to a new report by the DHS, the x-ray machines that screen shoes do not detect explosives. Said Secretary Chernoff, "The most effective detector of explosives remains a plane in mid-flight."

British scientists have applied for a patent to create a hybrid embryo of a human and a cow. The embryo would be used for stem cell research before being released to shop for a flat screen TV at Wal-Mart.

Christian leader Paul Haggard has resigned from the National Association of Evangelicals, amid charges that he had sex with a male prostitute. Said Haggard, “I was caught with my hand in the cocky jar."

Researchers in the Arctic report that polar bear genitalia is getting smaller. The shrinkage is being blamed on an influx of industrial pollutants and the stress of always being compared to the black bears.

The International Astronomical Union has decided that Pluto is too small to be classified as a planet. It will now be designated as a dwarf planet. The decision was made by the group's top astronomer, Sumner Redstone.