On Sunday, the Pope said he is "deeply sorry for the reactions" to his comments about Islam. He then mumbled something about Jews being "way cooler" about the Holocaust.

MTV is trying to shake up the VMAs. Producers are encouraging audience members to jump onstage and create a "water cooler moment." Of course, if MTV really wanted to shake things up, they could play a music video.

Intelligence officials say that terrorists had planned to sneak explosives aboard airplanes inside an energy drink and activate them with an MP3 player. Said one analyst, "We never should've given Pakistan the rights to syndicate 'MacGyver.'"

Today, September 11th, America mourns the 5^th anniversary of the launch of Ann Coulter’s literary career.

-Sept. 11, 2006

A six-year-old child trapped in a well for two days in India has been rescued. "Thank you for saving my life," the boy said, "now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work."

Due to an E. coli scare, Americans are being warned not to eat spinach. The average American, when reached for comment at a McDonald’s, asked, "What’s spinach?"

Toyota announced that it is developing a car that shuts down if the driver is drunk. Immediately, rival Ford announced that "Ford drivers do not need to be drunk for their cars to shut down."

K-Fed is developing a reality show based on his life, post-Britney. The show’s tentative title is, "Who Used To be A Millionaire.”

Democrats want to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. Explained Howard Dean, “It’s enough so the working man can put food on the table but not so much that he’ll start votin’ Republican.“

When asked to comment on the paparazzi's stalking of his daughter, Lionel Ritchie said, "I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana."

One man’s constant fear is everyone else’s perennial hope.