Billy Mays died today...

 Ironically his last product was engrave it.

 Celebrities normally die in 3s, but Billy Mays threw his in for free.

God took care of the free shipping and handling.

Billys last words..."But wait theres more!"

Patrick Swayze died today at the age of 57.

Swayze was welcomed at the pearly gates by Jennifer Greys career.

Her nose was seen making out with Michael Jacksons nose.

I love girlscout cookies.

but I cant figure out how to buy them from 500 Feet.

Not only was I unaware that Mackenzie Phillips was a musician, I really had no idea she opened for her father.

Michael Jacksons' remains will be put to rest today.  Except his nose which has been recycled.

Its now a colostomy tube used by Abe Vigoda.

The world famous gay penguins at the San Francisco zoo have broken up when it was discovered one of the penguins had gone straight.

The errant penguin has been renamed, Anne Heche.

4 people were murdered during a gunman's rampage at a Pittsburgh location of LA Fitness.

The company has yet to decide if the class will be renamed Anaeorbics or killer abs.

It was decided the fitness center will be renamed South Central LA Fitness.

President Clinton orchestrated the release of high profile journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

 It was the first asian release where Bill wasnt on the receiving end.

A music festival stage in Canada collapsed, killing 1 and injuring 40 others.

Kevin Costner was in attendance.

It was feared his career had been killed, but they realized it had been dead for the past 10 years.

Whats the difference between nursing homes and prisons?

People Visit Prisons.