The Chinese Military has begun using Segway Scooters.

I think it's a bad idea to have an army that can be immobilized by building a six inch curb.

I always get the Bacon Brothers confused.So I made myself this cheat sheet:

Kevin N. Bacon - Actor

Michael A. Bacon - Musician

Chris P. Bacon - Delicious

Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon all show up in heaven on the same day and Saint Peter greets them at the pearly gates, first he sees Farrah and he says, "Tell me what you did with your life."

Farrah says, "I never really did anything all that worthy, I was a TV and movie Actress."

Peter takes out the 1976 Poster of Farrah in the red bikini and he says, "This poster touched many young males in the 70s and 80s and helped guide them through adolescence... That's enough."

Next Michael comes up and Peter asks him, "What have you done worthwhile in your life?"

Having overheard Farrah he answers Peter by saying that he too had touched many young males in the 70's and 80s.

Peter takes out the 1982 "Thriller" album and says, "This album has sold more copies than any other album in the history of music. It went on to change music and inspire countless artists... that's enough."

Ed's next in line, and Peter asks him, "Well Ed, What have you done with your life?"

Ed figures he's a shoe in. He says I entertained millions on The Johnny Carson Show and TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes, I was a philanthropist and gave to charity. I was a good man.

 Peter takes out a publisher's clearing house envelope with Ed's picture on it and you may already be a winner scrawled across it.

 Peter says, "I must have collected thosands of these over the years... THAT'S ENOUGH!"

And that's how Ed ended up in hell.

The 2009 Global Peace Index rated New Zealand the most peaceful nation in the world.

The United States rated a dissapointing 83rd.

I think the US should make efforts to move up the list.  This year we're 83, but if we take out New Zealand...

Next year we could be 82.

Walter Cronkite had been suffering with Dimentia for the last few years and when he would tell his family wild stories they would try to calm him by telling him that they didn't really happen.

This enraged Walter  and he would bellow, YOU'RE going to tell me the way it is! I CREATED that's the way it is.

Walter Cronkite died at home on Friday due to complications caused by all the Michael Jackson news coverage.

 And that's the way it was on July 17th 2009.

Sarah Jessica Parker (the girl from Sex In The City) and Matthew Broderick (the guy who killed two people in Ireland) just had twins... I saw the photo and I thought it was triplets but one baby turned out to be SJP's nose.

An 88 year old man opened fire in Wahington DC Holocaust Museum.

John McCain said, "See... I told you old guys could do things."

It's the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Uprising.

That's where the powerful video was shot of that dude facing down the tank.

Of course after they turned the video camera off we never saw that dude again.

That was one dumb dude.

I guess it's big news that the Kosovo Government ERECTED a statue to honor President Bill Clinton....

Monica Lewinski commented that it was a very nice ERECTION.

Hillary Clinton said that she hadn't seen it.

Hospitals in rural parts of the midwest and deep south have been reporting increased numbers of males in their late 30s and early 40s showing up with circulation issues mainly in their forearms and hands.

Upon further investigation it was discovered that these men were wrapping their arms in rubberbands to mourn the passing of WWF superstar Captain Lou Albano.