The 2009 Global Peace Index rated New Zealand the most peaceful nation in the world.

The United States rated a dissapointing 83rd.

I think the US should make efforts to move up the list.  This year we're 83, but if we take out New Zealand...

Next year we could be 82.

The Chinese Military has begun using Segway Scooters.

I think it's a bad idea to have an army that can be immobilized by building a six inch curb.

I feel bad for past Nobel Peace Prize winners, now that Obama won a peace prize it really makes the achievments of Bono seem far less spectacular.

The FCC fielded 800,000 calls last week after the government mandated switch to digital television.

How can they just switch everyones television signal to digital without giving any kind of advance warning.  They should have been running advertising warning people that this was going to happen.

This is why people hate the government.  They just don't communicate with the citizens about what's going on in their country.

Because the government refuses to communicate with it's populous I'm going to step in and inform you that the government has a plan to thin out the population by imprisoning, sterilizing and even euthanizing stupid people.

The first 800,000 to be rounded up will be the idiots who called the FCC about the switchover to digital TV.

Kodak retires Kodachrome film making Paul Simon more relevant than he's been in 20 years.

I always get the Bacon Brothers confused.So I made myself this cheat sheet:

Kevin N. Bacon - Actor

Michael A. Bacon - Musician

Chris P. Bacon - Delicious

An 88 year old man opened fire in Wahington DC Holocaust Museum.

John McCain said, "See... I told you old guys could do things."

Dutch-Born Super-Model Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris, France for allegedly threatening her plastic surgeon.

Even though I think it's horrible for someone to threaten another human being with bodily harm.

After seeing what this plastic surgeon did to poor Karen Mulder I think she was totally justified.

Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon all show up in heaven on the same day and Saint Peter greets them at the pearly gates, first he sees Farrah and he says, "Tell me what you did with your life."

Farrah says, "I never really did anything all that worthy, I was a TV and movie Actress."

Peter takes out the 1976 Poster of Farrah in the red bikini and he says, "This poster touched many young males in the 70s and 80s and helped guide them through adolescence... That's enough."

Next Michael comes up and Peter asks him, "What have you done worthwhile in your life?"

Having overheard Farrah he answers Peter by saying that he too had touched many young males in the 70's and 80s.

Peter takes out the 1982 "Thriller" album and says, "This album has sold more copies than any other album in the history of music. It went on to change music and inspire countless artists... that's enough."

Ed's next in line, and Peter asks him, "Well Ed, What have you done with your life?"

Ed figures he's a shoe in. He says I entertained millions on The Johnny Carson Show and TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes, I was a philanthropist and gave to charity. I was a good man.

 Peter takes out a publisher's clearing house envelope with Ed's picture on it and you may already be a winner scrawled across it.

 Peter says, "I must have collected thosands of these over the years... THAT'S ENOUGH!"

And that's how Ed ended up in hell.

Conagra Foods is surprisingly unapolagetic after last nights explosion at a Slim Jim factory in North Carolina, stating that every employee was made aware of the explosive flavor of Slim Jims.