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Charlie Hatton
"If you don't stop to smell the roses now, they might end up on you."
Watertown, MA
      
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Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. Not necessarily in that order.Charlie lives in the Boston area, and spends most of his daylight hours stuffed in a cubicle, where he's less likely to bump into anything expensive or upset the neighbors. At thirty-six, he's due for aother midlife crisis any day now.In between begging for stage time, sobbing quietly in his car, and needlessly [more]
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First, there was Vin Diesel.
(Yeah, I know. First there was Bill Brasky. Don't interrupt me; I'm building up to something here.)
Then, there was Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer.
And now, another modern cult hero goes under the microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for geeked-out food lovers anywhere, I'm proud to present:
Thirty Facts About... Alton Brown
#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.
#2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.
#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.
#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.
#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.
#7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.
#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
#9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.
#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.
#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.
#12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.
#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.
#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.
#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.
#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and sp*ces -- and they were delicious.
#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.
#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It's tasty 'cause it's people!
#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.
#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.
#22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.
#23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
#24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.
#25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats', because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target demographic.
#26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.
#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.
#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.
#30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.
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"I-19."
"G-53."
"B-2."
"BIG! I spelled B-I-G!"
"It's BINGO, Mrs. Brown. Not BIG. Keep playing. O-70."
"GOBI! GOBI over here!"
"I'm sorry, no."
"It's a desert! I'm not making it up this time!"
"It is a desert, yes. But it's not BINGO. O-68."
"B-*sigh*. B-14."
"BOOB! BOOB! B-O-O-B, boooooob!"
"Mr. Reynolds, no. And let go of Mrs. Harrison's shawl. We've discussed this. N-37."
"Nothing? No one has a bingo yet? G-55."
"I-22. Anyone?"
"N-44?... Meh. Fine, what have you got?"
"I got a BOOG."
"BIGGIO?"
"BOOBING! BOOBING! BOOBING!"
"CHECKMATE! King me already, ya mensch, ya."
"GIBBON!"
"Close enough, GIBBON it is. Extra applesauce for Mrs. Graham tonight. Can we watch Jeopardy now?"
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A girl I work with found out that I've been doing standup comedy. She came up to me the other day and said:
"I don't know if I could laugh at your jokes. I respect you too much."
So I slept with her.
And she laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
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When I was very young, my Uncle Joe died. I had trouble understanding what death meant, so I talked it over with my dad:
Me: Hey Dad, where did Uncle Joe go when he died?
Dad: Well, son, he went up to Heaven.
Me: Oh. Hey, Dad?
Dad: Yes, son?
Me: Didn't you once tell me that all our relatives who've died are watching over us?
Dad: That's right.
Me: And didn't you warn me that if I touch myself, they could all see it?
Dad: Well... yes. I said that.
Me: So is that what Heaven is like?
Dad: You know, son -- for your Uncle Joe, it probably is.
Well. That cleared things up. And to this day, I wear pants in the shower.
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