Today Bums and Beggars came out of the woodwork(and the woods) to rewrite their cardboard signs to exhibit the American spirit and take advantage of new opportunities. Their new signs read:

'I'm a candidate for change, can you spare any?'

They just nod as they walk up to you and mouth the all familiar "Yes We Can"

I live in Sucker Brook, NY

But I take online classes in Cockatoo Grove, CA

My brother lives in Bitch Lake, ID

And I vacation in Hoboken, NJ

I need a network that will let me live the way I want to... in a place called:

SuckerCockaBitchaHo

In light of this controversial subject, Walmart has come out with a new back-to-school starter kit. It comes with YAZ, the totally hip new pregnancy pill that comes in cool colors to match your iPhone. Also included are a pack of Camels and a 40oz malt liquor. 

Steven Warshak, owner of Enzyte, was found guilty of 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering and sentenced to 25 years in prison. His spokesman stated that Steven was "Doing intensive field study reformulating the recipe and will add 2 new ingredients, black cock and his ass."

Bob cited in federal court today that the Obama people stole the last half of their slogan of: "Can We Build It? - YES WE CAN!"

In a stunning upset, Campaign Spokesman David Axlerod said they had already changed to an entirely original slogan of: "Democrats, We're Magically Delicious!"

With songs like:

1. You Don't Smoke Plumbers Crack

2. Bald is Beautiful, But I'm Butt Ugly

3. 2-Hour Lunch Break, My Ass!

4. I'm Knocking On Your Back Door, Wink, Wink

5. Whip Me, Beat Me, But Don't Make Me Over Bill

6. Your Daughter's Cute, When Does She Turn 13?

7. Is That A Monkey Wrench In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me Grab Your Cock?

8. Keep Your Dog Away From My Crotch(Instrumental)

9. There's A Lein On Your Vehicle, Bitch!

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Get Your Copy Now! 

Looking out her window, sarah spits coke out of her mouth as soon as she spies her cute lovable bunny eating a colorful corn cereal singing "Ah, the fruit flavored cereal with real fruit colors! Rasberry Red, Lemon Yellow, Orange Orange...WooHoo!"

Sarah snatches the box away from Lucky, "Wasilly rabbit, Tricks are for... The American People"

In a sting operation, the Axa Equitable Gorilla was taken into custody without incident today as he exited Gold's Gym. Witnesses say he would follow them into the steam room and make inappropriate gestures with a banana. Sgt Johnson commented "Apparently he was a member". Another witness, 8yr. old Billy Batson stated "He touched himself while he talked about annuities, it was really gross!"

Charges include: Stalking, Lewd Conduct & trying to sell shit to people who don't have money.

Axa was unavailable for comment.

I carry a picture around with me, that of me fucking the CEO of Capital One in the ass, just like he's done to me all these years.

 What's in your wallet?