...it's important to remember that you cannot be fired. It's called a "downsizing of workforce" or a "reduction in headcount" or "the crazy lady with the chihuahua in a tutu go bye-bye"...

In Bucks County, PA, a naked man has been grabbing joggers and holding them in a bear hug before fleeing. Here in San Francisco, these incidents go unreported to police and occur on days ending in "y".

...because the quality control people couldn't remember tasting anything.

In January, Ben & Jerry's revealed the new Obama-inspired ice cream, Yes Pecan! The new Bush ice cream should be "Iraqi Road." If a better flavor comes along, they won't change the name - because that is ice cream leadership.

Today Hugh Jackman was named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, celebrity bloggers and legions of female comic book fans who fancy excessive bodyhair.

Duke researchers reported today they are close to developing the technology for a cloak of invisibility. Apparently Duke researchers have never been the fat lady in an LA singles bar.

A high school principal in Southern California canceled a school production of Rent to prevent portrayals of homosexual characters. Hopefully she'll accept my puppet show alternative, Avenue Q. Nothing says wholesome, non-gay fun more than an acting troupe singing with their hands shoved up the back of a same-sex muppet.

After leaving office, Dick Cheney is planning a fishing vacation to the Snake River. Instead of using bait, Cheney catches fish by shooting them in the face.