...Pepsi Cola Company will begin distributing a new soft drink that contains Viagra.  The new drink will be called "Mount and Do." 

...a NY couple, into "golden showers", were arrested after a loud & vicious fight broke out in their NY apartment...each were convicted of disturbing the peace, sentenced to 69 hours of community service, and ordered  by the judge to "piss & make up." 

...kansas wheat farmer glenn gilbert awoke to find both his wife and only tractor missing from his farm....detectives believe the two disappearances are connected, as police have found both a dear John and a John Deere letter. 

...retailers are reporting that the 3 most popular Halloween costumes for 2009 are Harry Potter, Star Trek, and the Bernie Madoff.  The Bernie Madoff costume kit comes with 3 flies which you put on your shoulder and then go as a piece of shit.  

Senator Majority leader Harry Reid was asked if he felt there was an urgency to pass the Senate's proposed health care reform bill.  To which Reid replied, "Like my friend Ted Kennedy would have said, we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it." 

...The Atascadero State Hospital for the insane has been evacuated because of an outbreak of the H1N1 virus.  State officials are referring to the crisis as "one flu over the cuckoo's nest."  

...Paris Hilton has filed suit against the National Enquirer after a reporter called her a "shithead".  Hilton then immediately filed suit claiming "defecation of character." 

...Baghdad has opened its first Ben & Jerry's ice cream store.  The most popular flavor is Iraqi Road.  A delicious combination of chocolate ice cream, with nuts, marshmallows, and schrapnel. 

...South Carolina officials said a chickenhouse fire claimed the lives of 22,000 chickens that were set to go to market Wednesday...KFC is expected to announce the 99 cent Blackened Chicken Sandwich shortly. 

...actress Linda Blair, a long time sufferer of PMS,  is producing a documentary about the affliction....show will be called the "Blair Bitch Project."