Fox News anchor Gerald Gefstofferson today reported that Rupert Murdock was fired today as the second lead drummer for the Lynyrd Skynyrd band.

A Fox News investigative reporting team, which usually focuses on biting animals like small dogs, reported that the big guy himself, Ronnie, returned from the grave to personally fire Murdoch.

"It's pretty amazing that Ronnie returned from the dead to make such a management move," said a very proud younger brother of the great rock 'n roll legend, "Last year, we held a birthday party for my dear brother - like we do every year to celebrate Ron's birthday - he never, ever returns to visit, not even us, his family! We had about 35,000 people at the party - most of them looked to be outlaw bikers 'n such. We even tried to coax Ronnie back by having a really foxy looking biker chick smoke a cigarette with him. It's amazing Big Brother was a no show for even this - and we all know how Ron always has had a real soft spot in his heart for really good looking babes."

Savings Account annual interest: 0

Checking Account annual interest: 0

Gross Holdings: -0

Come on in and ask about our daily double derivatives: Today, it's based on the #8 horse in the 9th race at Mountaineer Racetrack & Resort, compounded by the outer rings of Uranus orbits plus whether or not some little island without a name (or even a nickname) sinks into the Pacific Ocean sometime in October, 2008 - but the cause must be limited only to tectonic plate explosions.

If all goes right and you're a winner, you'll make 87 zegaMcMillion dollars Canadian to every $1 (Can.) invested in this investment package.

In this festive holiday season filled with dread, disappointment and despondency, it's nice to know not all rich guys are terrible, terrible tyrants. The big sand sheik - Bill Gates and his lovely Missus Melinda - for example, are two of the world's favorite computer geeks. Yep, this alpha dog couple of ‘computer nerds gone to the bank’ have big wallets, deep pockets and very, very large hearts.

Though old bashful and his Missus don't broadcast it much, they own a benevolent, philanthropic foundation that discerns where to send big piles of cold, hard cash to, like their quest to tackle one of the world's most egregious takers of little children. Yep, Bill and Melinda don't mess around with some hoaky-fanokeee-cure for the common cold. Nope, they're tackling the rotavirus, some mysterious, horrid killer that's taking a half a million little lives a year.

Bill and Melinda, let's give you a big, fat, NLHN curtsy and say you are really Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus and let's just let the world know right now that all rich white guys who wear geeky looking glasses read Machiavelli in their spare time!!! So you two cards go and play some bridge with Warren Buffet and the boys and we're happy to know the world's a lot better with you two young'uns around!!!

For our information, The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation have poured more billions into the world's charity causes than even the big Automaker Bailout of this week. How many billions? Who knows, get a NASA computer or a NASA telescope to figure it all out!!! God loves you because you love the world so much you two lovebirds!!!

- and we wouldn't even have this gizmo called the NLHN to goof around on if it wasn't for you, you gawky looking old four eyes guy!!!

"The food in there's bad, but it's not that bad," a wise-cracking jailer from another neighboring city reportedly told our Daily Comedy investigative comedian team.

"Hardy har hee hee hee hee hee," came some vociferous laughter from this unfeeling, mean-spirited county sheriff's department official.

"This inmate has some mental issues he's trying to deal with. Needless to say, this prisoner's television watching rights will be adversely affected by this extreme action," came a more politically correct comment by another man wearing a police uniform.

Actually, nobody knows, not even the major banks who are lending the money.

"We've lent some of it. We've not lent some of it. We've not given any accounting of, 'Here's how we're doing it,'" said Thomas Kelly, a spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, which received $25 billion in emergency bailout money. "We have not disclosed that to the public. We're declining to."

Kelly, however, did not mention in the MSNBC reports that if another bail-out is needed soon, banks and automakers will not be hesitant to ask for another astronomically high dollar amount, almost in rote.

- As the pundit would editorialize here, boys, "How many sets of books are these guys using, and when they cook the books, are they going to do it stove-top style or by microwave?

Sign outside the Moose Lodge in Anchorage, Alaska -

"Welcome home, Gov. Palin. Love ya! We know that any woman crazy enough to shoot a full-grown moose is capable of blowing up the entire Alaskan Continent. We thought we'd be nice and welcome you home, you crazy Carabou Killer!!!"

Scott Rubin, head cook and bartender for the NLHN, decided this morning to send a dead fish - perhaps it's been denegrated already to a dead finch - to Rupert Murdoch as a belated gift for some upcoming Jewish holiday.

"It's going to be a fish that is usually eaten during the Holiday by Yiddish folks," Rubin said with perfect diction.

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Come visit Alaska in the dead of winter.

It's then that we're a winter wonderland.

Don't go out and catch a salmon with a fishing pole - do it the plain old Alaskan way, just like good old Mr. Kodiak Bear - catch that dog gonned fish with your teeth! Yep, get down on all fours in that cold, cold river water and snatch one the only real way!

And there's a gosh happy wildlife boots American Dream up here, too. Uncle Ike "Icicle's Log Cabin" still serves the best tuna and finch sandwich this side of Siberia.

Be it known to all - Alaska is still a remote, wonderful land of the Grizzly, the wolf, Mr. and Ms. Polar Bear (they're growing fins now due to global warming so soon they'll be sharks), the snow fox and some moose.

They're not extinct yet, already? the moose, I means....

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