Savings Account annual interest: 0

Checking Account annual interest: 0

Gross Holdings: -0

Come on in and ask about our daily double derivatives: Today, it's based on the #8 horse in the 9th race at Mountaineer Racetrack & Resort, compounded by the outer rings of Uranus orbits plus whether or not some little island without a name (or even a nickname) sinks into the Pacific Ocean sometime in October, 2008 - but the cause must be limited only to tectonic plate explosions.

If all goes right and you're a winner, you'll make 87 zegaMcMillion dollars Canadian to every $1 (Can.) invested in this investment package.

"The food in there's bad, but it's not that bad," a wise-cracking jailer from another neighboring city reportedly told our Daily Comedy investigative comedian team.

"Hardy har hee hee hee hee hee," came some vociferous laughter from this unfeeling, mean-spirited county sheriff's department official.

"This inmate has some mental issues he's trying to deal with. Needless to say, this prisoner's television watching rights will be adversely affected by this extreme action," came a more politically correct comment by another man wearing a police uniform.

- to plug in a lightbulb?

ANSWER - This is an impossible task, since being a Fox News anchor or national headliner mandates one having a law degree, MBA or another type of executive degree. Anyone who knows anything about life knows that these highly educated idiots cannot do simple things like change a lightbulb, wash a dish or even wash their own hands.

George W. Bush during a press conference overseas recently. Under the strict codes of the magnanimous, beneficent side of Islam, this equates to the former President having a bright future in something he could possibly handle as a retiree - he will probably do well as a door-to-door shoe salesman.

Larry King will be giving up his talk show this spring. For the few hundred that tuned in every night, Mr. King proved to be a great cure for insomnia. Unfortunately, however, the host oftentimes put himself to sleep on the set, as well as his guests and his televised audience. 

A new toy that is fashioned with Michael Jackson's face and slim body has been banned by the U.S. Food & Drug Administration. Released by a Cocaine Cartel in Latin America, this dispenser shoots Morphine, Heroin and Cocaine out of Jackson's head and into the mouths of babes. On the up side of this issue, however, the Food & Drug Administration told Daily Comedy's team of investigative reporters that such a toy would not lead to harder drugs with children, though, because there are really no harder drugs on the street besides Morphine, Heroin and Cocaine.

have to do to get back into the good graces of Mamma and Pappa Moose, Little Baby Mooses and the ghost of Ed Meese?

- Sign up for "Alcoholics Anon-A-Mooses meetings.

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Come visit Alaska in the dead of winter.

It's then that we're a winter wonderland.

Don't go out and catch a salmon with a fishing pole - do it the plain old Alaskan way, just like good old Mr. Kodiak Bear - catch that dog gonned fish with your teeth! Yep, get down on all fours in that cold, cold river water and snatch one the only real way!

And there's a gosh happy wildlife boots American Dream up here, too. Uncle Ike "Icicle's Log Cabin" still serves the best tuna and finch sandwich this side of Siberia.

Be it known to all - Alaska is still a remote, wonderful land of the Grizzly, the wolf, Mr. and Ms. Polar Bear (they're growing fins now due to global warming so soon they'll be sharks), the snow fox and some moose.

They're not extinct yet, already? the moose, I means....

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