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Dan Wilbur
"Genius!"
New York, NY
      
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Check out DanWilbur.com!
Recently deemed the smartest man alive by himself and this other guy, Dan Wilbur is proud to be a founding member of Bard College's Stand-Up Comedy Club. He has performed and produced several shows at Bard College, including two large shows that featured members of Olde English comedy troupe. Dan also produced a Roast of the (sort of) famous rapper Soul Khan, and performed an hour-long set at the Chautauqua College Club in Chautauqua, New York.
Dan has also written for [more]
juju beans says:
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I'm with you on that xxxhottgirl crap. She is the most unfunny whore Ive ever seen
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Punchline Magazine says:
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congrats on being a guest star!
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 There is an incredible new source for women who fear reality: It's called DontDateHimGirl.com. The website features profiles of men who have cheated, lied, or just not bought enough shit for a previous girlfriend. Once an "alleged cheater" moves out his community in ignominy, since they aren't forced to wear a red "A" on their chests, this site helps weed out bad guys for women who depend on the internet for dating advice.
Profiles usually say how the men cheated, how many children they secretly have, their spouse's name, etc. Some are hilarious. Check those out before reading on.
I tried to sign in, but the names: IEATMEN and IHateEverything were taken, so I chose the name LoudAngryFace. Here is a recent post.
First Name: Odysseus
Last Name: Son of Laertes
Nicknames: Master Mariner and Soldier, God-like, the Great Tactician
Profile:
This man is the master of tricks and stratagems. He slept with my friend P, got her preggers, hopped on a boat and didn’t even call his baby’s momma for like 20 years! He is a liar: sure, he’ll tell my girl where he’s been, but he’ll omit the part when he slept with some ho of a goddess on her private island! “No pleasure came,” my ass! My girl P was always faithful, and even though she had like 120 chances to cheat on her man, she didn’t. But HE is jealous beyond belief! He saw a bunch of men eating food at his house, and got so mad he killed every one of my girl’s new prospects. With a bow and arrow and shit!
Stay tuned for more! To see the real profile go here: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/search/cheater.asp?ddh_id=58920&return_url=index%2Easp%3F
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 There is a much needed comma missing from the title of Bill Cosby’s new book. It’s called “Come on People” and it has a bunch of white splotches on the front.
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A piece of my Mo Pitkins' "Lost Puppy" set. Subjects include Stupidity and Ancient Greek.
Some of these jokes have appeared in writing on DailyComedy, but now you can hear them straight from my mouth, SON!
4 min.
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 I went to Chicago and brought some pot with me. In the morning I packed, and to have a better travel experience, I ingested some of my pot.
Mistake 1: "If I can't smell it, a dog can't." Even before I felt anything I made this rationalization.
Mistake 2: "I'm high. Oh, God. I'm really high." Being high on the Megabus was terrifying! I had already assumed bus security consisted of five or six cops with dogs sniffing for drugs, but instead of that I found the only security was provided by an old homeless man waving an empty forty at some people in downtown Cleveland. I was also sure Fred Flinstone was now driving the bus and I needed to find the trap door to brake with my feet before the next intersection.
Mistake 3: "Can all dogs smell marijuana?" was my next horror-stricken thought. The bigger mistake was asking the old woman next to me this question. Every stop we made I paced quickly past all the dog walkers on the street. One barked at me from behind a cracked car window: I swear to God, I heard it bark my name.
Mistake 4: Peanut butter. My friend told me peanut butter would cover up the scent, but because I was high, I didn't think about putting it in a container. I just took some off the sandwich I'd made and spread it around the bag. Now I had peanut butter pot in the front of my bag, and I'm sweating balls next to an old lady who thinks I'm about to stab her.
Mistake 5: Not smoking everything before coming back to my parents house. Then my dogs smelled the peanut butter and ate all my pot.
Good Choice 1: Their huge pug eyes swelled shut, and we each ate a bowl full of milk bones. My teeth have never felt more slippery and clean.
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 If you're like me, you only have a few seconds for the news and an anal fistula. BBC.com offers the kind of one-line reports that I need from a news website. I'm the kind of person who only gets to the prepositions of Headlines like "President Bush gives Saddam 24 hours to" and "Paris Hilton released from" and "For"
That's why I've taken my favorite article Headlines from the BBC and I'm sharing them with those who always thought news had to be boring. BBC is the best news source for providing particularly "awesome" stories for my everyday experience. One day it's "Tony Blair Retires, No One Cares," the next day it's "Magic Talking Robot Escapes Zoo and Finds Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak." The boring ones are real, but in my mind the strange, sometimes egregiously misspelled or misnomered are the greatest stories of our times. Here are a few. If there is doubt, click the link to the original Headline:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6178659.stm
World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin: Dolphins swallowed some plastic, and doctors could not surgically remove it, so they called NOT just a really tall guy, but the world's tallest man on record to reach into the stomachs of the awake but anesthetized dolphins and pull out the plastic. Reports say one hung-over dolphin said to the other: "Is it just me or did we have the world's longest man inside us last night? SLAP ME SOME FIN!"
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6063926.stm
America Adopts Tough New Space Policy: George Bush is upset with space for harboring known terror suspects. If Space does not respond within 48 hours, he promises to invade the entire galaxy!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6240312.stm
Germany Imposes Ban on Tom Cruise: This one is funny enough (banning Tom Cruise from making a movie in Germany) but some of the article was scary too: "Cruise will play Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg in Valkyrie, leader of the 1944 plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler using a bomb hidden in a briefcase, scheduled for release next year." I don't think they are aware of the danger entailed with "releasing a 60 year old bomb with Hitler's name on it. The article also said: Tom's "Personal beliefs have absolutely no bearing on the movie's plot or themes" which is usually true since Tom's acting usually has little to do with a movie's plot or themes.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/sci_tech/newsid_2730000/2730639.stm
Scientist Invents Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak: I wasn't lying. Japan probably made this shit fifteen years ago.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/6752853.stm
FBI Tries to Fight Zombie Hordes: It's all true. Zombies!!!
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 The newest and nerdiest form of entertainment for me is (in most men's eyes) neither nerdy nor new, so I'm a liar. A dirty, pale, fat (but not too fat, but like enough that people are sort of worried that I've been drinking too much beer, and they have told me about a nice gym with this trainer who's really helpful and not too domineering but sometimes racist) liar. But I'm trying to be honest. And the honest truth is, when I first bought the original Tomb Raider I didn't care about the sweet puzzles, graphics, or dinosaurs you get to gun down, but rather, all that attracted my attention was the possibility that I could see Lara Croft's breasts using one of a billion codes I could readily find on the internet. But which was was right? I needed to know, and with perseverance I finally found the correct code for seeing Lara Croft naked. This code still works in Tomb Raider: Legend. Here is how I did it:
I checked numerous forums for days hearing the same promises. Here is a print-out of one that led me to the real code. I saved it for commemorative purposes:
Subject: See Laura Crofts Tits (for serious this one works)
Angelcross 227: You can’t have a video game rated Teen 13+ that has a pair of ta-tas in it. That’s so not logical!
Supreme12: I’ve been looking all over for this. Does anyone have it?
DoggstyleBoyZZ: Have no fear gentlemen in cybespace! I totally know how to do it! Right when the T-Rex comes out, you hit D,D,U, R, O, T, X and she totally rips off her shirt for like a second before the dinosaur eats her. BUT IT’S totally worth it! Titties!
Angel 227: Does anyone have Crash Bandicoot cheats here?
Supreme 12: Who the fck rote that? That’s soooooooooooooo gay. OMG, Gay. I hate Crash Bandicoot
Frazzled RCKS1: Bandicoot is definitely the gayest game.
Supreme12: Seriously, I need to see the tits right now!
FrazzledRCKS1: My friend sent me a link to another forum that has the cheat (for Tits not “coot”).
Supreme12: Thanks Dude.
Frazzled RCKS1: Search geocities.com/Lara Croft Tomb boobies/forum
Angel 227: u r the gay one. Crash is sweet and Lara Croft has square boobs!
Frazzled RCKS1: STOPPP. OMG, u suck the most. LOL.
So I spent a few minutes searching the page, until I knew I had found it. Now, the internet works the same way a street festival does where certain interests are linked with other interests. PETA and the war in Iraq. But since the internet isn’t used for stupid things like social activism, but instead it’s filled with distractions for an impressionable boy like me: like, If you want Lara Croft’s tits, you should totally get a picture of J-Lo’s Titties! But I didn’t fall for it! And as a result I found the real cheat. And I saved the file and kept it until now. Here it is:
Posted 3:14 am by CrazzEBNS13:
As most of you may have heard, there is in fact a way to see Lara Croft’s Breasts in the game Tomb Raider. There is no cheat for her to take off her shirt at the swimming pool, as some have rumored, but an actual glitch that the programmers forgot to fix when creating the game. If you do this correctly, Lara will be topless the entire time you play. First, turn the Playstation on with a controller in either slot. Then just as the PS logo pops up on the screen, hit open so you see the disk is still spinning. Then shove your dick in the playstation and slam the top down and have a big jizz fest with yourself! Then have your mom come in and jizz all over the tv and jizz on your face. And da der daaaaaaaa......Jizz, Jizz!
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 From: RaffleBaffle.blogspot.com
By Cheryl and Corinne.
Cheryl,
George and I are so glad that you and Frankie came by last night. It was a gas! When Frankie did that impression of that Keenan Williams from Saturday Night, I swear I almost peed all over the carpet (and we just got it steamed!)!! I'm glad the spaghetti turned out the way it did, by the way, I spent over an hour making it, and the whole time, my youngest, Kevy, wouldn't stop badgering me ("Mommy, why can't I kiss you on the lips?" What an angel). Speaking of pumping you for information, I wish I could find out how Horatio made your hair look so good! Did he use that blow-dry thingamajig? I tell you, he could blow me any day of the week and I'd pay him anything! :)
Good news!
I got the new tickets in! The order came in from eBay and the tickets are FABULOUS. They're blue and I got the Ignie tiger printed on them. I can't wait for the kids to see them at the game this Saturday. When are we going to meet up and DISH already?
See more tales of middle-aged womanhood @
RaffleBaffle.blogspot.com
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 Really? REALLY, Germany?!
I feel like this should have been higher on this woman's list of priorities. Like, brush teeth, floss, remove the writing implement that’s been lodged in my frontal lobes for 50 years.
The funniest thing about this, though, is that it ACTUALLY happened to a REAL person recently, and was not rather, an incident involving Homer Simpson, the satirical all-American hero of “The Simpsons,” who gets involved in stupid activities Americans might hypothetically do if we had the IQ of a broccoli stem.
Five bucks says she proves God doesn’t exist within the week. Then again, German Flanders might burn all the evidence. Bet’s off!
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 The sexy Scarlett Johansson will release her debut album: Anywhere I Lay My Head. The album features 10 Tom Waits covers and one original, which means she picked the one singer who ANYONE WILL SOUND BETTER THAN provided they are under 85, don’t use a voice box, and are not Bob Dylan. There is only one way that they could possibly market this: Sweet new remixes that ultimately focus on the Scarlett’s one selling point. Amazon.com has already released the following tracklist:
1. Just the Right Bullets (my tits)
2. The Black Rider (rides my tits)
3. I’ll Shoot the Moon (it’s the size of one tit)
4. The Heart of Saturday Night (is located on or near my titties)
5. November (was a cold month for my tits)
6. Christmas Card from a Hooker (me)
7. I Don’t Want to Grow Up (if it’s going to affect my tits)
8. Let Me Get Up On It (Remix)
9. Diamonds on my Windshield (look like nipples)
10. Big in Japan (comparatively)
11. Love is an Illusion (written and performed by me…while I was only wearing a bra)
12. Bonus Track: Fumblin’ with the Blues (and my boobies)
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 I think what she was trying to say was not that she was hoping Barack would get shot, but just that it had been awhile since a really good assassination.
That, and if she did it herself, Jodi Foster might finally be interested in her. You know. Because she's a lesbian and whatnot.
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