Sometimes I wonder how many degrees you need to become a meteorologist. 

Claude Levi-Strauss, eminent anthropologist, has died at the age 100. I wondered how he would be remembered until I went to the mall and seen all the teenagers with their jeans at half-staff.

I was watching a movie trailer for Men Who Stare At Goats.I wonder if it's ok to bring the kids.

I was watching that FlashForward tv show.I wonder if they'll be allowed to do any flashback scenes? 

When plastic surgeons check out at a grocery store,I wonder if they ever choose paper?

   Why are toddlers frequently so overdressed--in  ballooned-up, nearly airtight snowsuits--that their now-inflexible, outstretched little arms make them resemble miniature scarecrows?

   Children virtually upholstered into immobility.  

Contrary to conventional parental beliefs about turning off loud music to study, psychologists at Glasgow Caledonian University in Scotland discovered that listening to rock music can boost brain power.  ***MARLAR: It did wonders for Ozzy Osbourne.

I am seeing fiber being added to every product imaginable!!!

Wondering when they will come out with a Fiber Added Tampon!!! Ribbed for her pleasure?

Michael Vick is hoping to repair his image by starring in a new reality show. It's done wonders for Terrell Owens.

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.