My father's youngest brother was a very strange guy whose single intellectual contribution to the world is:

   "A man is gay if, when he masturbates, his hand has a better time than his penis."

   Guess you could call it "Dick's Law." 

   Never date a woman whose biological clock you can actually hear ticking. 

...until I discovered Tagged, whose members look like refugees from the Jerry Springer Show. If Facebook is the Upper West Side and MySpace is the Bronx, then Tagged is a trailer park in New Jersey.

We've all heard of kids biting in elementary school but this is definitely something new. In Dayton, Ohio, a child at Patterson-Kennedy Elementary School was misbehaving so badly that he finally had to be brought to the assistant principal's office by teacher Stephen Green. While in the office the boy became violent, started throwing things and had to be restrained by Green. That's when the kid bit the teacher on the forearm and would not let go! Assistant Principal Jack Johnson had to pry the boy's mouth open to get him to finally give it up. Green, age 54, went to a hospital to be treated for the bite. The child, whose age and name was not released, was taken to a hospital for a psychological examination.  ***MARLAR: The school immediately was called by Michael Vick asking if the boy was up for adoption.

because if Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, anyone can write a book. Here's a comedian whose entire act consists of talking about black guys who like fat white women. Original stuff. If Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, then Artie Lange can open a driving school.

A Washington man whose groin was disfigured by a flesh eating bacteria infection in prison has accepted a 300,000-dollar settlement from the Washington Department of Corrections. The 61-year old man became ill in 2004 while serving time for threatening his neighbor. Upon hearing this the Texas Department of Corrections announced a new policy: In order to stem any further violence and deter crime all maximum security inmates, kibbles and bits, will receive an injection of the flesh eating bacteria.

Walt Disney Co. studio chief Dick Cook, whose studio has come under intense scrutiny of late for the quality of its films, held a staff meeting yesterday to say that he was resigning.

When asked why he was stepping down, Cook replied… “Because I refuse to take the blame for this Mickey Mouse operation!”

Kimberly Jong Il is back at it violating the UN and filling up the Japan Sea full of missles.  And poor South Korea just keeps tattling on them.  South Korea is kind of a narc. 

They're kind of like that real nice neighbor that lives next to the guy whose dog craps on their lawn and plays his music too loud.  Just keep calling the cops and calling the cops until one day the rotten neighbors house burns down in what appears to be an arson but no one really cares.  The other world leaders need to take Kim GoolaJong Illin' out to get laid.  Take him to Canada and show him the ballet. 

The Denver Nuggets and Indiana Pacers will play a pre-season game in Taiwan. It should be a real treat for the kids to finally see whose shoes they've been making.
 

A New Jersey man, whose efforts to gain custody of his son in Brazil attracted international attention, may have finally gotten his wish.

A Brazilian federal court has ruled that David Goldman's son should be returned to the United States.

The decision came after Goldman's lawyer, Patricia Apy, successfully used the Braer Rabbit argument of “Please, whatever, you do, don’t send him back to New Jersey.”