A tearful David Letterman announced on his show just how sorry he was to everyone who was hurt by his scandalous sexual indiscretions that became public headlines recently .  " It was so much fun to screw around with my girls until I got caught . That blackmailer guy ruined everything for me . "  " Anyway, i plan to give all the people i wronged a special gift for Christmas . A 5% pay increase and a $500 gift card to Fredericks of Hollywood , plus another $500 gift card for Victoria's Secret ! " ..........................................................................(kascha/whitney)

Paris Hilton rejected an invitation to appear on Letterman's Late Show next week . The 28 year old controversial Celebutant who is no stranger Dave's unflattering comments over the years said , "  That Old Fart really creeps me out . I wouldn't go on his show again even if he put me in his will ! "   Paris admitted she was anxious to see the David Letterman Sex Video that will eventually come out . .................................................................(kascha & whitney)

What's black on the outside and white on the inside ?  Whitney Houston's nose ! " 

How do you know Whitney Houston still does drugs?

You can hear the crack in her voice!

A very angry and defiant Kim Jong IL lashed back at American media yesterday for spreading lies and anti North Korean propoganda . Kim went on National TV to address his tiny isolated country to call Laura Ling and Euna Lee  " Skill-full and dishonest liars of the worst kind ! "  Jong went on to say, Ms Ling and Ms Lee received V.I.P. treatment while guests in his wonder capital . " I gave those two broads first-class accommodations in the 5 star Pyongyang Hilton Hotel . I tell them , Please enjoy all hotel facilities, amenities, health club and gym, swimming pool , and naughty cable in room TV.  I also say, don't worry about bill . No charge for you, everything is comp. for you just like in Atlantic City casino hotel .  So you know what they do ?  Everyday they order meals from room service and make my hotel staff go crazy . They order Rock Lobster, Stone Crab, CherryStone Clam, Rock Cornish Hen, Sand Shark, Sandwich, Chicken Nugget, Marble Cake, Stone Ground Bread, Fruity Peddles, and even Rock Candy !  My girls who work in hotel restaurant not understand English well like me . Maybe they think Ling & Lee eat stone and gravel in America ?  Maybe someone make honest mistake and put tiny rock in her rice by accident ?  Next time I not be Mr. Nice-Guy to troublemaker Al Gore's trespassing reporter friends ! "          .............................................( kascha whitney)  

President Obama " stupidly " met with his panel of celebrity experts on ways to bring the price of unlicensed medicines down .  The group included Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Lindsay Lohan, Mike Tyson, Naomi Campbell, Gary Busey, Kate Moss, and former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry . The meeting ended abruptly after a wild-eyed, lust-filled Tyson tore off terrified Kate Moss's blouse and bra , and frustrated, manic-depressed Naomi bounced her iPhone off the head of Gary Busey .  Bobby Brown found it necessay to give wife Whitney a few much needed bitch-slaps .  During all the chaos and mayhem, Lindsay Lohan did get the chance to sample some of Crackhead Barry's latest stash !

Larry King said he's got a great show in store for his viewers tonight . Old time actor Mickey Rooney and veteran CBS News commentator Andy Rooney .  Mickey discusses his 88 years in show business, his 8 marriages, and the thousand's of young Hollywood starlets he made love to .  Andy promises not to be boring either as he shows off his vast collection of thumb tacks, paper clips,  jars of old buttons, rusty keys, and Indian Head pennies .  ...............................................................................................(kascha-whitney)

A very angry Nancy Pelosi summoned Barack Obama into her office this morning . Secret Service Agents said they over-heard their boss being terribly reprimanded as Pelosi shouted ," While you may be the President of the United States and the Commander-In-Chief , I'm the one giving the orders around here . Now get out there and apologize to all those White Cops before you ruin everything for me and Hillary."                (kascha-whitney)

A meaner, tougher, and much more dominant Ann Robinson will be getting her old show back next season .  Scatter-brained, self indulgent,  lady celebrity contestants will be competing in this updated version of " The Weakest Link  " . The opening show will include : Jessica Simpson , La Toya Jackson , Britney Spears , Lindsay Lohan , Mariah Carey , Sarah Palin , Vanna White , Paris Hilton , Beyonce Knowles , and Kendra Wilkinson .  Originally the show was to run for only 30 minutes but Robinson was able to convince the producer she needed at least one hour .   " These 10 Frivolous and Vacuous Tarts are incredibly stupid .  I am going to have to repeat each question at least a half dozen times and kick a few butts before i get any responce . "  Robinson said ................  Tom Cruise and Joe Biden will headline the all male sequel .......................................................................................(kascha-whitney) 

A dearful LaToya told two British newspapers today she believes her brother Michael was murdered by someone who stood to gain by his demise . She also went on to say that over Two Million Dollars worth of cash and jewelry were missing from the Jackson mansion . The L.A. police have only a few CLUE's to go by . 1) Was it father Joe Jackson in the Study with a Pipe ?  2) Or was it Miko Brando in the Kitchen with Dagger ? 3)  Maybe Lindsay Lohan in the Billiard Room with a Gun ? 4) Could be Debbie Rowe in the Conservatory with a Wrench ?  5) Perhaps it might be  LaToya in the Library with a Candelabra ?  6) How about Jack Gordon, LaToya's ex husband ,with a Rope in the Dining Room ?  7)  Can't rule out dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein with OxyContin and Demerol in the Lounge ?  8)  Quite possibly, cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray with an Intravenous of Diprivan in the Bedroom ? ........    A very angry Jack Gordon from his grave lashed back at the police saying,   " Leave me the hell alone , I've been dead and buried for over four years now ! " .........................................................................................(kascha & whitney )