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Today, a national chain of funeral parlors sent its portfolio to Fox News' advertising execs. This mega-monster corporate corpse believes in the Henry Ford-production-line - they have adopted a system of a solemn and serious and yet very fast, expeditious and effective wake ceremony preceding the burial of folks.
"This company advertises by blimps, planes, bulldozers, fork lifts, helicopters, trains, automobiles and even by way of submarie with funny little jokes and such written all over them. And they employ thousands of "drivers." See, they actually pay people to drive around in the cars that have these signs slapped all over them.
The company's motto is "Putting the 'Fun' back in 'Funerals.'" It's name: Welcome to the World of the Quickest Funeral Around!!!"
"Business has been kind of dead lately, but we plan to sell another advertisement or two during the next few years," a Fox News Sales Exec related to the Daily Comedy team of investigative comedians.
"Today, we had a call from some inventor who just invented a glow-in-the dark preying mantis-looking transformer that actually uses a heat-seeking device attached," the sales exec added. "That thing can find small insects. It makes some darned little mouth movement that similates the eating of these bugs. It's a cute little toy and though it accidentally bit off a child's arm, we're tinkering around with the software codes inside its skull to make it a bit more user friendly."
"We're also expecting a call any day now from some inventor out of Cheyenne, Wash., who has just invented a horse that drinks gasoline," this source added. "No water, no-no-no; just gasoline - how inventive, huh?"
"And then there's the glow-in-the-dark Bill O'Reilly Dog that howls like a werewolf, tries to tear your fingers off and then - you'll never guess what happens next - that cute little canine with Bill's handsome face actually catches itself on fire and plays the Star Spangled Banner during this portion of its act. . .And then there's -...."
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The trouble started when Israel's Level 4 Bishop in the Church of Zombie launched 3 attacks against Palestine's Savage Werewolf, winning two to put some serious smackdown on Palestine. Palestine retaliated by feeding Israel to Syria's Sinister Vampire, and the fight escalated from there.
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I Ain’t Gay (to the tune of Werewolf of London)
by Eric Landers
I saw Mitt Romney walking down the hall today,
When he saw me he shook his head and looked away;
You see, my old friend Mitt ain’t talking to me no more,
He thinks I’m homosexual public bathroom whore;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay;
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
It all started that dark day in the airport,
A man walked by and winked his eye;
He was tall, dark and handsome, and wore a lavender mauve tie,
How was I to know he was the FBI?
Ah-Whoo, please believe me when I say,
Ah-Whoo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He went in the mensoom and I followed him in,
That’s when he turned and gave me a pig eating slop grin;
I should have knew right then something wasn’t Kosher,
Shoulda hopped the next plane for Nova Scotia,
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He had blue eyes and dark hair,
He had wide shoulders and big muscles too,
He had a cute nose and a gorgeous tan;
Gimmee a break, folks, I’m only a man.
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
So I walked into the stall and blocked the door with my bags,
I picked up that trick from an old queen who used to do drag;
I sat down on the seat and peeped through the hole
And what I saw, folks, can’t be told;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
My heart started beating like a humming bird’s,
I got dizzy and nearly fell off the stool,
Bells in my head started going Ding-Dong,
When he bent over I could see all the way to Hong Kong;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now you can imagine the condition I was in,
There I was a United States Senator thinking sin;
I stuck my hand under stall to signal no,
That’s when he said, “Ah, stop teasing, you know you’re a big hoe.”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
I hollered no and stamped my foot for emphasis
But because I have a wide stance my shoe touched his;
That’s when he dropped his badge and ID,
That’s when I hollered “Woe is me!”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now the moral of this story should be crystal clear,
When you go to the mens room, do you business and get the hell out of there;
Take my advice and watch how you time is spent;
Hell, I coulda been Vice-President
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Eric Landers
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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