The longest solar eclipse of the century took place Wednesday across Asia.   Because an eclipse is considered unlucky in India, thousands swarmed the Ganges River to “cleanse their souls”.  During this cleansing ritual, an 80 year old woman was killed and 8 other seriously injured in a scene that was described in horror by one witness as “a stampede-like situation”.   In a related story, three virgins were sacrificed in a neighboring village to help expel the bad luck brought on by a thunder storm. 

 I went to an abstinence rally recently and it was AWESOME! By abstinence rally, I mean comic book store. If you think about it, a comic book store is a lot like an abstinence rally...wall-to-wall virgins worshipping fictional god-like beings...

Ah to see the look on their faces when welcomed to paradise as martyrs. All excited to get  their 70 virgins.

The martyr ask this big fat guy where the line for the virgins is.He says "Oh theres no line.

The martyr says "Oh great.What did you do to become a martyr?."

The big fat guy says"Oh me  and all my  buddies here arent martyrs.We're the virgins.Man wheres the food?,Im so hungry I could eat a camel!!

gulp!!

Via Action News

Turns out the Fisher-Price "Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo" doll has a special message for your child.  Parents are outraged to hear it mumble "Satan is king" and clearly speak "Islam is the light" instead of saying things like "I love you and my etrade account."

Target eventually took them off the shelves when they were caught on video tape flying remote control planes into the soda machines.  One of the dolls was asked why they were acting like this, and he said, "Uh... maybe you haven't heard... but there's like 70 friggin virgins up there waiting for me." (Ok, this last part I made up, but the first paragraph is true!)

Remember Teddy Ruxpin?  It was a talking bear and it would say whatever was on the audio tape you put in it.  I used to make Teddy sing "Relax, Don't do it.... when you want to go to it..." which I thought was funny, but I was still too young to know what the words meant.  I asked my older sister... "Relax, don't do what?".. and she said "Don't pick your nose."

Homeland Security is now testing the next generation of security screening — a body scanner that can read your mind.

The device flashes and beeps when detecting thoughts of at least 19 virgins.