Tim Tebow, the Heisman winning quarterback, will be starring in a superbowl ad this Sunday stating his opposition to abortion, because his mother and father decided not to abort him.  Leaving aside the question of whether they were right or wrong, the fact is, both of his parents were itinerant preachers, wandering around the country "evangelizing" about Christ, while preventing young Tim from attending school....That's called "homeschooling".....Ya know I should tell my boss about "vacation-working"....Anyway,

Tim Tebow could recite the laws of Newtonian physics directly from the textbook and I would raise an eyebrow...........

He could tell me that the 8-sided red signs at the ends of many streets are stop signs, and I'd be highly skeptical.....

For Heaven's sake, Tim Tebow could tell me that the sun rises in the east and I'd think he was full of shit!

·        Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for preventing a second Great Depression.  Bernanke was responsible for the most manipulation of interest since Balloon Boy.

General Motors and Segway Inc. announced this week that they are working together to develop a two-wheeled, two seat, electric vehicle that is designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive, and clean alternative to cars and trucks.  General Motors is hoping that the vehicle is the beginning of reinventing the company to begin turning a profit and pay back the government loans that have been keeping the company afloat.  There is no timetable for when the cars will become available, but the price has been set at $2 billion dollars each.

Brett Favre says he is retiring yet again. Special thanks to Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez, and Kobe Bryant for preventing this from being news.

 According to the Associated Press, a high calorie diet combined with prison life is producing some corpulent combatants, forcing Rumsfeld to rethink his torture strategy.

(Shown: Donald Rumsfeld giving reporters a visual of the latest form of torture: Man-boob groping

(Shown: hordes of angry pakistani demonstrators venting their hatred of the evil culprit behind the current weight problem at Gitmo) 

Speaking to hundreds of U.N. diplomats and staff last week, Al Gore warned that the world faces a "full-scale climate emergency that threatens the future of civilization on earth."

Ever notice how people fixate on the environment when they can't deal with real threats? Combating the climate is a liberal's way of saying, "Let's show 'em we can be tough too; let's flex our muscle with this Mother Nature thing, take a preemptive strike at an SUV."

The Patriot Act? That's evil! It's Kyoto that'll save you. That's why in 2004 we got the movie "The Day After Tomorrow"--so we could worry about junk science that may or may not kill us in a thousand years instead of the people who really are trying to kill us the day after tomorrow.

While the hawks among us worry about preventing the Armageddon that's coming, our modern-day hippies just want to make sure the planet is in pristine condition when it does. In fact, the more menacing terrorism becomes, the more some people seem to worry about the weather. Scared and unsure how to fight terrorists, they confront "climate change," which only requires spending trillions of dollars on something that may or may not need fixing and may not be fixable. No wonder some of these people chain themselves to trees--they think money grows on them.

Why are these people so worried about the environment, anyway? It's not like they're living on this planet. Speaking of which, scientists recently discovered global warming on Mars. See? Martians need to stop driving those darn SUVs!

Some want to hold the U.S. legally liable for rising sea levels in other countries because of our high carbon dioxide emissions. But a lot of people doing their emitting here are from those other countries. And can we be legally liable if half of them come here illegally?

Whether human-impacted global warming is real or not, we shouldn't worry about the distant future. Using an enviro-doomsday computerized weather model, I calculated that our catastrophe-to-be should befall us soon after the caliphate has completed its takeover. Just in time to put the planet out of its misery.