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...ashton kutcher says he visits mother nature every morning to relieve himself because he wants to bond with nature and feel like a caveman...then after a hearty breakfast of buffalo, he likes to spend the rest of the morning inventing the wheel.
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In an effort to control the pigeon population in Hollywood, a birth control product called OvoControl P, which interferes with egg development, will be placed in bird food in new rooftop feeders.
Although the pigeons should experience a lot less bloating going forward, veterinarians caution the pill is not effective in preventing avian flu.
As an alternative to the program, the Bush administration urges abstinence until marriage.
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According to the Associated Press, a high calorie diet combined with prison life is producing some corpulent combatants, forcing Rumsfeld to rethink his torture strategy. 
(Shown: Donald Rumsfeld giving reporters a visual of the latest form of torture: Man-boob groping It seems as though meals total in an excess of 4,200 calories per day, thus proving that they don't just hate us for our freedoms, but also for our hydrogenated oils 
(Shown: hordes of angry pakistani demonstrators venting their hatred of the evil culprit behind the current weight problem at Gitmo) Human rights groups attributed the spike in weight to lack of exercise. Indeed, many NGOs (non gargantuan organisations) say the Bush Administration is either flouting or dismissing the Jazzercise clause stipulated in the Geneva Conventions. If there's anything more terrifying than a religiously indoctrinated person with a "clash of civilizations" mentality, it's one that can sit on you, as well. No hunger strikes for 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, in the foreseeable future. 
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Speaking to hundreds of U.N. diplomats and staff last week, Al Gore warned that the world faces a "full-scale climate emergency that threatens the future of civilization on earth." Ever notice how people fixate on the environment when they can't deal with real threats? Combating the climate is a liberal's way of saying, "Let's show 'em we can be tough too; let's flex our muscle with this Mother Nature thing, take a preemptive strike at an SUV." The Patriot Act? That's evil! It's Kyoto that'll save you. That's why in 2004 we got the movie "The Day After Tomorrow"--so we could worry about junk science that may or may not kill us in a thousand years instead of the people who really are trying to kill us the day after tomorrow. While the hawks among us worry about preventing the Armageddon that's coming, our modern-day hippies just want to make sure the planet is in pristine condition when it does. In fact, the more menacing terrorism becomes, the more some people seem to worry about the weather. Scared and unsure how to fight terrorists, they confront "climate change," which only requires spending trillions of dollars on something that may or may not need fixing and may not be fixable. No wonder some of these people chain themselves to trees--they think money grows on them. Why are these people so worried about the environment, anyway? It's not like they're living on this planet. Speaking of which, scientists recently discovered global warming on Mars. See? Martians need to stop driving those darn SUVs! Some want to hold the U.S. legally liable for rising sea levels in other countries because of our high carbon dioxide emissions. But a lot of people doing their emitting here are from those other countries. And can we be legally liable if half of them come here illegally? Whether human-impacted global warming is real or not, we shouldn't worry about the distant future. Using an enviro-doomsday computerized weather model, I calculated that our catastrophe-to-be should befall us soon after the caliphate has completed its takeover. Just in time to put the planet out of its misery.
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