A message to the lonely women on Valentines Day. When you have your chocolates and Lifetime movie and say Johnny Walker is the only man who understands you, leave the box cutter out of it

Valentines Day is one of those holidays where women troll for men. Because they go to a bar, get drunk, and wake up next to a troll. The question the next day always is, “Hi, whats your name? What draw bridge did I meet you under?”

One thing I never understood about Valentines Day is why do men give their women chocolate and lingerie? Buddy, I cant eat one and wear the other.

Valentines Day isn’t so bad when you don’t have anyone. One year me and a single girlfriend rented a movie about a woman who killed her cheating husband. And we ended up having a lot of fun. Goes to show you, if you are single and miserable, find a buddy. No one deserves to be alone on Valentines Day.

Reasons why it is a GOOD thing to be single on Valentine's Day:

1.  don't have to spend $ on a gift.

2.  don't have to find a vase for those pesky flowers.

3.  don't have to get fat gorging on chocolate candy from your sweetheart.

4.  no chance for venereal diseases, including pregnancy. 

Reasons why it is a BAD thing to be single on Valentine's Day:

1.  Dropping that extra $300 on relationship self help books at Barnes & Noble, again.

2.  Finding a vase for those pesky flowers that you sent yourself to the office.

3.  All the calories gained during your annual Valentine's Day sobfest w/ your loyal friends Ben, Jerry and Bridget Jones.

4.  No chance whatsoever for the fun associated w/ getting a venereal disease, including pregnancy, much to the dismay of your raging hormones and withering uterus.

A is for Asshole, its over and please stop calling me and hanging up under a resticted number because lets just face it, the calls fit into your cellphone plan.

B is for I broke up with your ass and not the other way around. So stop portraying yourself as the love master when the only thing you are is the love disaster.

C is for you fucking cheat. I should have been the one cheating on you.

D is for dead beat because you wanted me to support your nonexistant show biz career

E is for excuse me, you are thirty years old and you threatened to go to war with me online. That is sad and pathetic....but then again so are you....

F is for fuck you and your retarded mother. Well, Ill leave mom out of this but there is no way in hell I was eloping and moving into the trailor with the both of you.

G is for get real, you were never gonna live with me rent free you dead beat

H is for hell because I would rather be there than with you. Because at least Satan has a BMI in the normal range. Plus he is Prince of Darkness, which means he at least has money.

I is for I know your ass will come crawling back and see this hole you left in my chest....no, its not another place to stick your dick. 

J is for just the stupidest things you used to say like when you thought it was funny to make fun of my modest proportions in front of your buddies and were surprised when I ripped your ass up afterward.

K is for if your gonna kill yourself actually do it and stop threatening. And don’t drink detergent but pull the fucking trigger like a man you dickless wonder.

L is for if the saying liar liar pants on fire were true the NYC firefighters would have business on your behind every day.

M is for methane, because I had to diminish my intelligence in some way in order to understand your sub zero IQ

N is for I am not afraid of your stalker psychotic loser ass. We both know once Springer comes on you will retire from your stalking for the day

O is for oh my, you assumed another identity to diss me online. But I knew it was you because neither you nor your alter-ego could spell.

P is for I pee in that shitty box you spent five minutes making for Valentines Day because it’s the only use it has because you were a cheap asshole who couldn’t spring for a real gift

Q is for quitter, because you can never hold down a job for more than a week you lazy fuck

R is for Restraining Order Time, I heard thats the name of your TV show.

S is for I am second screen name with freaked out away message, something you concocted so you could more easily stalk me online.

T is for "today is the one month anniversary of our break up." Holy shit, you are sending me bloody roses. Oye-vey

U is for U have made me aspire to a life of cheap bathroom sex you worthless mentally unstable abusive bastard

V is for very very much do I wish I did more drugs so I could forget ever seeing your ugly nasty ass

W is for what was I thinking?

X is for I am xing your ass out of my life

Y is for yes, I have to stop drinking so I don’t end up with