THE RABBI DR. T.L. JONES, GED

In Association with the

Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service……………

Proudly Present:

NEW ANCIENT SONGS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

PREFACE:

Continuing his dogged professional and personal pursuit of the anciently trivial, the esteemed Rabbi Dr. T. L. Jones, GED, with a generous grant wrung from the Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service, in association with noted Jewish scholar, Simon bar Tuchas, has recently returned from another archaeological expedition, this time encompassing digs in Eritrea and Iraq, carrying with him additional and so far unknown Kabala manuscripts attributed to the great Jewish mystic,  Mordecai Ben Mickva (otherwise known, in folklore, as “The Macaroon”). Though the tenor and contents of these findings may not necessarily be directly those of Mordecai’s, what we do find are absolutely unmistakable thematic continuities, suggestive then that Ben Mickva’s importance and influence were not limited to either region or time. 

Composed in Aramaic, Greek, and Pig Latin, on clay and pottery shards, these fragments were painstakingly re-constructed by specially trained teams of the visually impaired. Intended for and no doubt vulgarized by the “masses”, what follows unmistakably captures the universal Kabalistic spirit of the songs/hymns, if the not the exact words and phrases of the author(s), themselves. 

They are offered here as our contributions toward the scholarship of lost civilizations and toward promoting greater understanding of the times and conditions and yearnings of ancient peoples.

“SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH” *

(vaguely reminiscent of “Frosty”)

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was a nasty looking tart,

  with a smashed-in nose and tattered clothes, she surely looked the part. 

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was a faigelah* some say,

  she was made of ice, but the old men know, how she came to life one day.

There must have been some money… in that old silk purse they found.

  For when they put it in her hand, she began to move around.

Oh,  SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was alive as she could be,

   And the old men say she would shtoop* and play, just the same as you and me.

Humpety Hump Hump, Humpety Hump Hump

  Look at SOPHIE go.

  Humpety, Hump, Hump, Humpety Hump, Hump

  Right there in the Snow.

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  knew the “heat” was on that day.

  So she said, Let’s run and we’ll have some fun, before I’m put away.

Down through the village, with a razor in her hand,

   Darting here and there, all around the square, “I’ll cut you” if I can.

She then ran down the streets of town

  right up to the Shamus cop.

And she never paused a second when…………….

  she heard him holler “STOP”.

For SOPHIE THE SHCIKSAH had to hurry on her way,

   But she waved fare-well, saying “go to hell, I ain’t comin’ back no day”.

NOTATIONS AND ERRATA:

One of the more complex and literary efforts attributed to Mordecai  Ben Mickva, aka “The Macaroon” , SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH (pronounced – “Shick – sa, with a short (a) sound) is rich with popular and literary allusion.

In earlier times, devout and observant Jews (what one might call now, Jewish Fundamentalists) practiced a rather extreme form of separation by gender. Jewish women for instance were generally forbidden to be unaccompanied in the presence of other men, to wear wigs (if not to shorn their hair completely) and to avoid even casual contact with men as well.

This necessarily put a rather severe strain on Jewish men, who being men first and devout Jews second, invented if not created the “SCHICKSAH” – literally, a woman not of the Jewish faith. Pretty straightforward at first blush, additional meanings as in any vernacular, often accreted. The “SCHICKSAH”, for these terribly oppressed and repressed men (and women), became the repository of the carnal: erotic, alluring, dangerous and cheap. Not subject to custom and law of separation, non-Jewish women were deemed to capture all of the forbidden. As such they were lusted and despised. SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH manages then to encompass and explore the duality of our natures and to question the effects and impacts of a society where money is the only way to thaw a “woman made of ice”….an observation curiously of modern relevance. It is possible as well to glimpse in SOPHIE a kind of “pre-women’s empowerment and liberation”..where at the conclusion, she refuses the constraints and associated behaviors of a patriarchal society and runs away; though most scholars and commentators suggest that this is a kind of retrospective distortion, attributing meanings and motives not contained in the original. 

Moving on: 

“Faigelah” (fay-guh-la) is most directly understood as a person who might be a little light in the loafers, though here the meaning is perhaps something more complex, suggesting someone who not only is “lite” but a cross-dresser as well.

Shtoop ( pronounced as it is written) refers a bit crudely to the act of “love”.

“ NO PLACE LIKE THE SHETL FOR THE HOLIDAYS”

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,

  it’s the last place on earth I’d want to be,

Where you yearn for the sunshine of a sober face

For the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

There’s Abie over there, passed out in a chair

   while Schloimey goes dancing on his head

Hymie jumps around.. at the slightest sound

  and Yonkel, he looks like he’s half dead.

Yeah, there’s no place like home for the holidays

   ‘cause no matter how far, they’ll seem to call

If you want to see crazy in a thousand ways,

for the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

The Eight Days of Chanukkah ( Commorating the miracle of a small amount of lamp oil lasting for 8 day…Frankly a minor ‘hoilday’...custom dictates that a small gift is given each night)

On the first day of Chanukkah  

  My Moishe gave to me

   A Chicken  

   Roosting in the pantry 

On the second day of Chanukkah 

  My Moishe gave to me  

   Two Bars of Dove 

    And a Chicken 

  Roosting in the pantry 

On the third day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me 

  Three Cornish Hens  

   Two bars of Dove  

  and a Chicken  

   Roosting in the pantry

On the fourth day of Chanukkah  

  My Moishe gave to me    

  Four Matzoh Balls     

  Three Cornish hens,   

  Two bars of Dove

   And a Chicken   

   Roosting in the pantry   

On the fifth day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me 

 Five  gold plate  rings …..(cheap)  

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens, 

   Two bars of Dove 

   And A Chicken   

   Roosting in the pantry 

On the sixth day of Chanukkah   

   My Moishe gave to me  

  Six fish ge-filting

  Five gold plate  rings  (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens

  Two bars of Dove

And a Chicken Roosting in the pantry

On the seventh day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me

  Seven lox a’swimmming  

  Six fish ge-filting

   Five gold plate  rings… (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens 

  Two bars of Dove

     And a Chicken

   Roosting in the pantry

On the last day of Chanukkah

  My Moishe, he gave to me

  Eight Latkes frying

  Seven lox a’swimming

   Six fish ge-filting

  Five.. gold plate..rings  (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens

   Two bars of Dove

   And a Chicken

   Roosting in the pantry

   Definitions: 

Matzoh Balls - are nasty dumplings  

Lox - is raw, nasty, pickled salmon,  

cured with coarse Kosher salt and sugar

Gefilte Fish - are nasty fishballs 

served cold, usually with nasty, homemade horseradish

Latkes - are very greasy, nasty potato pancakes

served plain, with lots of napkins for the nasty grease

-------------------------------------------------------------

Manny:  The Hook-Nosed Bookie  

There was Lenny and Benny

And Vito and Sal…….

Izzy and Howie….

And Joey…my pal…..

But do you recall….

The most famous bookie of all?.................

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Manny - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie 

Had a very ugly nose  

And if you ever saw it    

You would even say it grows  

All of the other Bookies

Used to laugh and call him names 

They never let poor Manny  

In on any Bookie games……  

Then one dank and dreary night 

The BIG  MAN came to say…….  

Manny with your head so bright 

Won’t you fix the game tonight ?....

Then how the Bookies loved him 

And they shouted out with glee ! 

Manny  - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie    

You’ll go down in history !!!!  

Note: Some Jewish people have big noses  

NOTE: The last three “pslams” represent incomplete fragments, re-created as best and as true as possible from original scraps of manuscripts at hand. We are unable then to more assuredly verify their accuracy or necessarily their authorship. Carbon 14 dating tests have proven inclusive, leaving us only hopeful that yet another archaeological generation might yet offer both fresher interpretation and additional materials from which to learn and grow.   

 “Fart”… the Harried Jew Boys Sing

“Fart”.. The Harried Jew Boys Sing 

Boring is…. the new born king 

Crap on Earth and stink to rise  

Pigs and Jews reconciled………..

Gladly once ye nation’s flourished 

Now becoming all too Goyish

Pass the Matzah balls and sing

Boring is the new born king….

Pass the matzah balls and sing

Boring is the new born king……….

Dreck the Halls 

Dreck the Halls with boughs of Chollah

Fa lalala lalala

‘Tis the season to be Jollah

Fa lalala lalala

Don we now our goy apparel

Fa lalala lalala

Pluck a pickle from the barrel

Fa la la la…la la la la.

Notes: “Dreck” is not a nice word and sort of refers to the product of solid excretion

 Chollah is a kind of bread

    “Goy” is a word meaning “non-jewish”

Away in a Condo

Away in a condo, no mink for her bed

The poor little Sylvie, lays down her sweet head

The neighbors are kvetching, the kids they won’t come

And poor little Sylvie, she ain’t got no one

And poor little Sylvie she ain’t got no one

A “condo” is located in the promised mystical land, where Moses, who got lost in ‘traffic’…and wouldn’t stop and ask for directions after stumbling around and getting lost for forty years, finally discovered…Miami Beach.

“Kvetching” refers to the very favorite Jewish past-time, if not sport, of complaining very loudly about very little.

Federal Transportation officials announced plans for a toll-free number for passengers on planes to call if they're being hijacked. ***MARLAR: Good thing it's a toll free number. You wouldn’t want to waste your cell minutes on something as trivial as a hijacking. 

Happy Days Trivia:Potsie and Fonzie teamed up in 1955, to hatch the very first Ponzi scheme.

Los Angeles Laker Andrew Bynum is reportedly furious that he isn’t getting more playing time. It's nice to hear he isn't hung up on trivial matters like winning.
 

I work this promo job with all these characters. Most everyone is pretty cool though and I love my boss. But there are some people on the job that man…..One such duo is Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass. They are these two best friends that work and live and do everything else together and they are always saying and doing stupid things. I didn’t gel with them at the get go so instead of seeking conflict I didn’t work on their same corner. The second player (because Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass are one in the same)s tory is my promo partner who frequently talked about/texted her boyfriend on the job. Her big priorities in life are having men obsess over her, having trivial problems, her social life, wearing sunglasses so people cant see her doing a promo job, and last but certainly not least getting her drink on. I decided aside from being a little bit of a dipstick she wasn’t that bad. Well it all exploded yesterday.

Though I love my boss I hated the early morning hours we were forced to work, 6:45 am, not standup comedian friendly. So Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass arrive as always smiling with that empty headed look in their eyes like nothing is going on and are already singing and completing each others sentences. No, they are not homeless, just out of work actors. In some ways even more annoying. So Tweedle Dumb tells our boss she is going to snot on him. WTF!?!?!!? I have not heard that since I was seven years old. Me and another one of the black chicks exchange glances like we are not going to say. Well Tweedle Dumbass replies, “No I will spit on you.” To which Tweedle Dumb replies, “I will snot on you And they start a nonsense argument between themselves. I wanted to say something so mean but it was too early in the morning to be an asshole. Yet they were making it so easy.

Well we go on our perspective corners and it is slow as Soho usually is. There is not much traffic. So our boss gives us orders to move and that does happen in promo work so okay. Well there is only one seat in the car. I figured we would all just ride the subway, right? Wrong!

So my dipstick partner goes, “I am just going to say it. I call the car.” I was like whatever. Was it a little self centered and stupid, yes. But having known her for almost two weeks I kinda would expect nothing less. Nonetheless it was early in the morning so I really didn’t care. So my dipstick corner partner jumps in his car and Tweedle Dumb says, “Its only two stops.” And Tweedle Dumbass echoes her by saying, “Two stops.” And then my dipstick partner overhears this and says, “Are they talking about me? What did they say?” I told her not to worry about it. Today was the last day of the promo and plus I have my own problems. And they really didn’t say anything. So this dipstick keeps nagging me and that’s when I go on the train, whatever.

When we get off the train I wanna bang this thing out and get my break and finish the promo. Despite the fact they are paying a large portion of my rent I am so over the promo itself since the weather has sucked. So this dipstick and I go to our corner. And then she keeps nagging me again and again and again and wont let up. I keep telling her it doesn’t matter what they said. Its our last day working with those two and who cares if there is bad blood? After this we never have to see them. And we didn’t even have to work with them directly. I didn’t like them but I was still able to be civil.

Finally after fifteen minutes of this dipstick nagging me I break down. I can no longer take it. That’s when I tell her about the simple exchange and then she says, “I have to clear the air with them.” And being the sane one I tell her after today it wont matter and who cares? Just do your damn job. Well she marches over to Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb ass and they start to have it out. First grade insults are flying around. I believe someone was called a meanie and someone else was called a poop head. I kid you not. As I am walking past them Tweedle Dumbass says, “Well we hear you talking about us. Its going around.” Meanwhile one of the black chicks is trying to interject to add some sense of this dumb white dramatic mess. She says, “Its too early in the morning for this. This is the last day of the promo. Not now.”

That’s when I decide to be the adult and get involved because hell, the dipstick already dragged me in. So I turn to Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass and say, “Not only don’t we talk about you, but we really don’t give a fuck about what you do.” And this leaves Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass speechless. It’s a concept that blows the one brain cell each of them has. So then after the dipstick walks away I asked her what the hell happened. She says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I look at her like okay. Then I tell her “We are talking about this because you dragged me into it.” That’s when she turns away from me and starts pouting. WTF?!?! This is something I would expect from my younger cousins and even they are much better behaved. That’s when I tell her to piss off and go to her own corner.

I end up working the corner with the other black chick who got the rep as the crazy one in the whole team. But as the promo ended I realized she wasn’t so bad. She did her own thing, her own work, and she didn’t resort to seven year old behavior. I told her about the mad dramaz that went down and she laughed. She agreed the dipstick asked for it by getting in the car, people were going to say something. And of course perhaps it was for our boss to say something but the whole thing went down so fast and bam….she was in the damn car. The whole thing had me frustrated that I wanted to punch dipstick in the face and knock the heads of Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass together. But as I said it was the last day of the promo and my boss was mad cool. I will miss him and the two black chicks as well as the little Indian girl. But not Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass and the dipstick. Perhaps they should road trip and commit a bunch of bank robberies. That way they would certainly be world’s dumbest criminals and I would make a few bucks because they are as dumb as they come. Gosh, thank God for brain power. Love April

...entitled 1,001 Things You Didn't Know You Wanted To Know, which is full of all sorts of interesting bits of trivia that you'll never find under a Snapple cap.

Among other things in this book, apparently the coyote is the 9th fastest land animal in the world.

Interestingly enough, roadrunners don't even place in the top ten.

So what's the deal, Wile E.?
 

BATTLE LINES ARE DRAWN AS ONANISTS DEMAND RIGHT TO MARRY

LINCOLN, Nebraska. In this state capitol in America's heartland, the battle between religious traditionalists and those who want to remake the law in their own image is joined over a ballot question that would prohibit a man or a woman from marrying him or herself.

"What do we want?" a speaker on the state house steps shouts into a bullhorn. "Our own rights!" comes the response. "When do we want them?" he asks again. "A half hour ago!" comes the answer.

"Today, we have come together--actually, separately . . . "

The Onanist Rights Movement is a late-starter in the movement for increasing sexual freedom, following heterosexuals, homosexuals and bisexuals, but maintaining a two-length lead over bestialitarians and necrophiliacs as they make the final turn towards the finish line. Onanists seek the right to make love to or with themselves, and the freedom to marry themselves if they choose.

"Except for the mathematical side of the issue--which is really trivial--there is no reason why a person should not be allowed to marry him or her self, if that's what he or she wants," said Phillip Nicholson, who has been living with himself in a committed relationship since 1997.

Dorothy Parker, parakeet owner and poet

"Onanism" is the medical term for a person whose sole or principal means of sexual fulfillment is masturbation. Onan was the son of Moses who, upon being ordered to have sex with his brother's widow, instead "spills his seed" on the ground and is slain by God. American poet Dorothy Parker named her parakeet Onan because he too spilled his seed on the ground.

Lawyers for the group say recognition of onanists' rights is an issue of fundamental fairness. "When an onanist dies, his or her mate does not inherit the assets," said Mary Bonito, who married herself in a 2005 ceremony in Massachusetts, the only state to recognize the right to date. "You could be left destitute, if you weren't already dead."

Auto-eroticism

According to specialists in the field, onanism is different from auto-eroticism. "An onanist will typically spend a lot of time in the bathroom or in bed," said Curtis Douglas, head of the Institute for the Study of Self-Arousal at the University of California, Berkeley. "Auto-eroticism often involves changing your own oil, or replacing the spark plugs on a Toyota Corolla that you've developed a relationship with."

The Onanist movement received a boost in recent years with the popularity of the one-man play "I Am My Own Wife" by Doug Wright, which examines the life of Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, a German transvestite who killed her father and survived the Nazi and Communist regimes in East Berlin. The play won the 2004 Tony Award for Best Play, the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Drama, and the Playboy Magazine Readers' Choice Award in 2005.

Actor Brad Pitt, who recently said that he will not marry actress Angelina Jolie until "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," applauded the movement's stand. "It's like on Seinfeld," he said, referring to the infamous "Master of My Domain" episode that first brought the cause of Onanism to the attention of the American public. "If you're as attractive as I am, and your girlfriend is pregnant, what are you supposed to do?"

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman