A student at a Florida school has been arrested after authorities said he "continually disrupted his classroom environment" by intentionally breaking wind. School officials say the unique charges could result in the thirteen-year-old boy becoming the first student ever to be expelled for expelling. 

www.jerrywolski.com

I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas last year, and have been playing it nonstop. I don't eat, I can't focus, and my right elbow is perpetually sore.

It's like I'm thirteen all over again. 

10. You use fuck every othr word because fuck is a pronoun and a connector and also an adjective

9. You remember trash is not in the landfills but in the homes

8. You never use the word cheap because thats an insult to every woman in the state

7. You meet a woman on the train and tell her you know how to eat the cookie. Have to get the some things out of the way first

6. You can smoke as many ciggerettes as you want but you have to be careful when you light moms because it may burn her buffant scalp off

5. You can use the "n" word and say damnit, Im not a racist

4. You can have a hot night with Governor McGreavy on the turnpike and say damnit Im not gay

3. Acceptable dinner conversations include how you had anal sex with the cop you met, how you got an AIDS test, and how your pussy leaks after you get laid

2. Ladies, your idea of teenage charity is helping a thirteen year old lose his virginity. Hey, our national bird is the bald eagle, righ;)

1. You will say "Fuck you you stupid c*nt" to any and all of my top ten but it will all be in good fun

IN BID TO REVERSE HOCKEY FORTUNES, CANADA DEVALUES LOONIE

OTTAWA, Ontario.  It has been thirteen years since a Canadian hockey team won the Stanley Cup.  In the last ten years, Canada has been the International Ice Hockey Federation champion only three times.  Canadian youngsters who once would proudly display gaps in their teeth caused by blows to the mouth from flying pucks are abandoning hockey for fencing, macrame and stamp collecting.

Canadian youth stamp collectors:  It's not just for dweebs anymore.

Mulroney:  "Why the puck shouldn't we?"

Faced with a national crisis of identity that threatened to bring down his government, Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney today announced that he was taking the drastic but necessary measure of devaluing the nation's currency against those of other hockey-playing countries.

"This is what we call a cross-Czech!"

"We cannot stand idly by while a nation with a 'z' in it like the Czech Republic surpasses us in the hockey arms race," Mulroney said.  "Devaluation is a strategy that worked for us in tennis, where the rules of Canadian Doubles permit us to have an extra player on our side of the net."

"Two against one isn't fair!"

The Canadian dollar is currently exchangeable into just 89 cents in American money, causing Canadian forwards to come up short when compared to other National Hockey League players.  "I had an odd-man rush against Tim Thomas of the Bruins last week," said Montreal Canadian forward Aaron Downey, "but at current exchange rates that dropped to a one-on-one and he stoned me."

"I'm telling you, Canadian pennies aren't worth bending over for."

The Montreal Canadians are also known as "les Habs", a shortened version of the team's original name, "Les Habitants de Montreal", which is French for "people who live in Montreal".  This monicker was voted the most boring sports nickname of all time in a 2005 on-line poll by ESPN.

Canadian loon.

The Canadian dollar is also referred to as the "loonie", after the Canadian loon.  A member of the Unification Church is referred to as a "Moonie" after the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, its founder. 

Rev. Sun Myung Moon:  A different kind of loonie.

When a reporter pointed out that in order to correct Canada's current hockey imbalance the country should technically revalue the loonie higher, rather than devaluing its currency, Mulroney was undeterred.  "Higher, lower, whatever," he replied with an impatient tone.  "If we screw up, we will get it right the second time."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

...and I see that the Democrats have taken the House, swept all the major elections here in New York, elected Massachusetts' first black governor and could very well take the Senate, too.

Which all explains a personal mystery today, because I haven't cum in my sleep in maybe thirteen years.