Have Y'Ever...
...gotten a Charlie Horse in your jaw? You know, you were yawning for a moment and then you got that weird muscle cramp, and it's absolutely EXCRUCIATING, right? And you try to move your jaw around to alleviate the pain, but it never works so you just wind up looking like a dog eating peanut butter til it goes away.
Have y'ever gotten the feeling that humans have gotten the short end of things in the animal kingdom? Don't get me wrong, now; opposable thumbs, upper brain, upright bipedalism? All cool things, love'em one and all. But I wouldn't turn down gills, wings, night vision or a good roar, either. And don't tell me you wouldn't dig it if women could purr when they liked you - would do away with a lot of that guesswork, y'know? And let's not forget the creatures out there that're 1/100th your size, yet can kill you with ONE STRIKE. I don't think it's fair that I could lose a fight with a scorpion that easily.
Have y'ever been walking along, minding your own business when you see a woman walking towards you, and she is a knockout in her own mind? She's got the stylish J-Lo sunglasses, straightened highlighted hair, the $500 outfit, the $700 5" stillettos and the $1,000 bag, and she is right in your path? And she's not paying attention cuz she's gabbing on her jewel-encrusted cell phone, so she doesn't notice that she's about to walk right into you until it's too late, but you do a nice little triple-fake that makes her lose her balance and break a heel? Isn't that SWEET?
Have y'ever been able to sense a screwjob coming a mile away? Happened to me this morning. I was in the subway, going to refill my MetroCard and the machine spat out mortgage papers at me. Call it a hunch, but I think the MTA's serious about that upcoming fare hike...
Have y'ever had to take a shit right out of the shower? How annoying is that? Feel like you wasted a perfectly good shower...
Have y'ever had to take a shit right after you'd just finished scrubbing the toilet? How annoying is that? Feel like you wasted twenty minutes moving your arm back and forth in a rapid motion...for nothing. Seems to me like you owe your elbow an apology. And maybe not just your elbow...
Have y'ever been walking in the city on a busy day, lots of pedestrian traffic, lots of motor traffic, lots of dodging, weaving and whatnot...you get to a one-way street, and the light is against you. You decide to cross anyway - after all, traffic signals in New York are SUGGESTIVE ONLY - but you remember to look both ways. And as you are looking, you see nothing but tailights, and you realize that a car very well COULD be bearing down on you...but by the time you're looking in the right direction, you've already crossed the street. Exciting, isn't it? Felt your heart race a little, dincha? Just another split-second adventure in the city...
Have y'ever been cursed out by a Jamaican on a bicycle? It's always a very surreal experience when someone's calling you an asshole in another tongue, but trust me when I tell you that a bicycle adds a whole 'nother dimension: "Bumble clot! Batty Boy!" *ring-ring, ring-ring*
Have y'ever been standing on a subway platform, late at night, you've been drinking a little - okay, a LOT - and you're all by yourself, and it creeps into your head to...oh, I dunno...whip out your shit and aim for the third rail? If only to see if the electrical current will travel up the stream and back to you?
Have y'ever gotten a blowjob from a vegetarian? What about meeting a vegan that swallows? If that ain't irony, what is?
Have y'ever been on the can, and it's not a pleasant session to say the least, right? It stops and right before you can get up, it starts up again...it's almost like you're vomiting out your - well, you get the idea. And then it's finally done, and you go to clean up, and your finger accidentally pokes through the tissue? Is that not a moment of white-hot PANIC, or what? You may have washed your hands 20 times after, but that's ONE day you're not going for tacos, that's for sure...
Have y'ever tried to invent a new expression or slang term? It's easier than it looks...sometimes all you have to do is lop off a syllable:
"Dude, that's just 'pugnant...quit poking that dead skunk!"
Sometimes you might wanna take out a whole word:
"Look...I don't care what you have to do, but I made a reservation for two, and if I don't get my table in the next ten seconds, this is gonna ugly."
Oh, and by the by - the phrase "thank you much"? - I TOTALLY invented that.
Have y'ever been in a standing 69 with your date, and you're really getting into it, and you decide you're gonna make'em feel things that they've never felt before. You want to leave her wet and screaming like the day she was born! And it's around this time that all the blood's gone to your head, because you've forgotten that SHE'S the one holding YOU - so you start working it, the 'gasm hits and next thing you know, you're on the recieving end of a tombstone piledriver.
Doesn't that just suck?
Have y'ever gotten the feeling that it's just you?
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