According to a study on monkeys at the Oregon National Primate Research Center, staying active may be more of a factor in fending off weight gain for adults than cutting calories.  ***MARLAR: For dramatic weight loss, scientists are now suggesting we jump up and down frantically and play on tire swings.

There is a club at Dartmouth College called "Swingers."

I attended the first meeting, then wondered why everyone was giving me dirty looks when I asked them if they wanted to fuck my girlfriend.

 Then I found out it was a dance club.

U. S. President Barack Obama was stunned by the early exit after the first round of voting by the Olympic Committee.  His surprise arrival, in Copenhagan, Denmark, fueled speculation that he wanted to “pitch” in person, a new Olympic event similar to baseball. 

After viewing clips of Chicago gangs fighting and swinging railroad ties at each other, the committee members decided to send a message: BASEBALL 1, BASEBRAWL 0

...a kinky NY couple were attending a "swinger's" weekend at a Poconos' resort.  The couple were participating in an act known as "fisting" when the man suffered a stroke and was unable to complete the "act."  Paramedics were called to the scene where EMT's administered Fist-Aid.  

Now look, the last thing I want is to jostle my jabbering jowls like a PEZ-DISPENSER propelling PELLETS of precipitous postulations so PREACHY that I make REV. JIM JONES serving Kewl-Aide…look more LAID BACK than a RECLINED LAZY BOY on the SIDE of SLANTED STEEP SLOPE, okay?

But truth be told, nowadays we DROOL over celebrities the same way Gargamell would DROOL over a seasoned sautéed Smirfette sulfate with the drunken munchies, alright?

They are the precious-pretentious-pod-pipers-of-popularity and we're the foolish-fawning-flea-farm-of--f*ckheads following the out of key melody of their lush, lavish, luxurious lies they live that should be like poison to our ears.

Listen, they have a job where they PRETEND to be SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEWHERE ELSE, doing SOMETHING ELSE. And don't PRETEND like they don't…cause they're f*ckn' ACTORS, remember?

Yet, we adventurously admire and adulate the fake, farce, fictional freak-a-zoids like they're best thing since SLICED DOUGH. Ironically they've spent the preponderance of their DOUGH on being SLICED twice as much than that loaf of Wonder Bread!

EVEN IF…the baker was a SAMURAI SWORD

Swinging  stunt double for Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol 2 cinematic blood baths!

Now hey when a civilian says the term 'PLASTIC SURGERY' it refers to maxing out a MasterCard. When a celebrity says it, they're referring to Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays at the Joan River's Clinic.

Honestly, don’t deny SILICON VALLEY isn’t populated by a parade of SILICONE VALLEYS!

Really folks, an average archetypal actress is an air compressor away from being a rubber sex toy!

Oh yah, nor do I mind if Blow-up-Bootaylicious-Betty is being an AIRHEAD or making me feel the effects of INFLATION on a first date cause she's just such a DOLL that manages to leave me BREATHLESS!

Christ's sake, at least my Blow-up-Bosom-Babe has an excuse for FAKE TITS, FAKE LIPS &…She's REAL enough NOT to  FAKE ORGASMS!

But look, now there's PEZ PELLETS everywhere, f*ck it, E! True Hollywood News is on.

Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota had some sharp words regarding fellow Republican Mark Sanford's extramarital affair...even going so far as to compliment Jenny Sanford for not standing by her husband during his press conference confession.

Gov. Pawlenty: "It's a sad and troubling situation with Jenny and Mark Sanford. I know them. I'm proud of Jenny for her strength and her commitment to her family...Frankly, I was glad to see her not standing at the press conference like many have, and kind of charting her own path."

Translated: "So listen Jenny...if y'ever find yourself in need of a little of that T-L-C once the kids are all tucked in for the night, why don't you g'wan ahead and give Big Timmy a call. I could have a 'copter waiting for you right now, baby. Just say the word, and you can swing by the Governor's Mansion for a mouthful of Good an' Paw-lenty anytime you want it. Awww, yeah."

Just before his death,"Little Asshopper"was working on getting his purple belt.     swing!!

NASCAR fined crew chief Charles Swing a record $200,000. Or in NASCAR fan terminology, several Waffle House franchises.
 

A new book suggests A-Rod used steroids as a teenager. The main signs were his acne and mood swings.