10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

I am not sure if I have cared less about two people in the world.  These two pump out 6 kids at one time, alienate the 2 they already had, get a TV show, then proceed to sleep around on eachother like rabbits. 

On top of that there are living humans who actually spend time talking about these two morons as if their lives are heaven.  If they are on Good Morning America one more time I'm flying to NY and slapping someone with a tire iron.  He's got a head like an alien and she has that hair style that always makes it look like she's lying flat on her back.  Which, apparently she always is. 

I can not wait for their 15 minutes of fame to come to an end in a fireball of hatred.  Then, they'll be back on Celebrity Rehab or Celebrity Fights within the decade.  I'm sure their children will end up completely normal.  I'm sure none of them will end up on Sunset Blvd selling themselves or crack.  Good luck wackos! 

New allegations have surfaced that some of the e-mails Rep. Mark Foley sent to young male pages were sexually explicit. For those of you disgusted by this revelation, rest assured Foley has paid the price by resigning. For those of you turned on by this fifty-something Christian conservative whose interests include long walks on the Capitol Mall and sunsets, visit him at MySpace.com and add him as a "friend."

CONSUELA, YOUR CHAPERONE

Dear Ones--

The waters of romance are treacherous seas.  Consuela is prepared, once again, to serve as your chaperone through the shoals and eddies of love's tempestuous currents.  Here are the distress signals she received this month:

Dear Consuela--

I have been seeing a very "special" man--a sales representative for a large frozen food conglomerate--for several months now.  We have become so close that I recently felt comfortable enough to go to the bathroom at his apartment.  When I had closed the door behind me, I felt an irresistible urge to look inside his medicine cabinet--don't ask me why.  Anyway, I discovered to my dismay that it was chock full of mini soaps and shampoo bottles that he has presumably collected from his travels around the country.  Consuela--is it right for him to take these little beauty products from hotels and motels?  I think this reveals a defect in his character that I am uncomfortable with.  Shouldn't he at least turn them over to his company?

Margaret Alice Cummings, Chicopee, Mass.

Dearest Margaret Alice--

State laws generally permit hotel guest to take toiletries that they have sampled when they go, so long as they pay their bills in full.  I'd say your "beau" is the thrifty sort, and a good marriage prospect.  Catch him while you can!

My dearest Consuela--

I recently graduated from a school of mortuary science and am back in my home town hoping to catch on with one of the local funeral parlors.  My mother recently assisted me in my quest for a job by inviting Mr. and Mrs. Claude Muckerman, co-owners and funeral directors at Muckerman's Funeral Home, to dinner along with my brother Clell and me.

Consuela, for reasons I do not want to go into in a newspaper column my nickname when I was a little girl was "Doody".  Anyway, halfway through dinner when I thought I was making a good impression, Clell up and says "Hey Doody--can you pass me the three-bean salad?" which started off a big to-do about how I got my name, etc.

I was mortified, and there are only two other funeral homes in town.  How can I prevent my brother from embarrassing me again?

Nae Ann Pfeiffer, Cape Girardeau, Mo.

Dear Nae Ann--

"Pleasant in public, pointed in private" is my motto.  If I were you, I would stop Clell before he even gets started next time by saying "Clell, I am a professional woman now and I would appreciate it we could speak of something else at this juncture."  I have discovered that most people appreciate this sort of candor, and will modulate their behavior accordingly.  If that doesn't work, take him aside afterwards and say "Listen, you little _______.  The next time you say something like that in front of company I'm going to rip off your _______ and hit you with the bloody stump of it--got it?"  I have found that this is also effective.

Consuela--

I work at an insurance company where I sit right near the copier and printer.  Sometimes if somebody else prints something out and I see it laying there in the tray, I will pick it up and take it to them.

Last week a nice young fellow who just started with us as a claims adjuster sent something to the printer that was coming out ahead of an endorsement on a homeowner's policy I needed.  I turned it over--and it was a poem!  I was overjoyed, as this is also my secret passion.

Anyway, I delivered it to him very discreetly and haven't mentioned a thing about it, but I feel a yearning need to communicate with him, soul-to-soul.  I have written the following, and am thinking of sharing it with him:

Whither thou goest, thither goest I.

Where 'er thou wanderest,

Wander also I.

'Neath grey skies and blue

(the color of my eyes!)

Yadda yadda yadda

Something something prize?

As you can see, I am stuck on the last two lines.  I would like to work "zither" in there, but can't think of a way how to.  Any suggestions you can give me would be appreciated.

Sue Ann Winkle, Paducah, Kentucky

My Dear Sue Ann--

Such a lovely poem, and just like your crush on your office mate, for now it is incomplete!  Here is something I thought of off the top of my head apropos of your "sky" imagery:

In the west, at sunset, the sky turns to red--

Don't get your meat where you get your bread.

There's a little "truth" in my work of "art", if you catch my drift.

Dear Consuela:

I went through grades K to 12 with a boy whom I will call "Nelson".  He never showed any interest in me the whole time and the feeling was mutual.  After we graduated I lost track of him until last Friday night, when I stopped in the Quiki-Mart out on the interstate for a Royal Crown Cola and he took me hostage as I came out the door.

We went back to his parents' house and they were gone crappie fishing so I had to spend the