An athiest group is launching a big advertising campaign in the NYC subways. 

Their motto: "Nothing" damn these dirty, late trains!"

is not buffalo meat. DNA testing has proven that it is human fat left behind from Jared, of Subway fame.  

A Florida man is accused of tossing a sandwich at his girlfriend as they cruised down an interstate, knocking off her glasses and nearly causing her to lose control of the car. The man became angry during an argument as she drove and threw the sandwich at her because he didn’t want to hit her. In a related story, Subway has announced a new marketing slogan. “Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed, if for any reason you are not happy with our service or sandwich, please feel free to throw the sandwich at our heads."

Ad in subway:  "Our Best Cellular Phone Plan Ever!  Unlimited Texting $49/month!  (And some talk minutes, too, just in case you still do that shit.)

An 8-year-old was caught driving the # 4 subway train in New York City recently. It was the first time in 20 years that a city subway train ran on time.

I see ads on the subway now addressing the crisis of gay domestic violence. Two guys beating on each other used to be called an even match, but now it's domestic violence. Reminds me of that gay domestic dispute between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris...

I never thought children could be adorable until a few days ago. I was on the subway, and this little 8-year-old boy got on, and he was such a silly kid. Bill Cosby was right when he said kids say the darnedest things, because as soon as the doors closed, this kid said some funny stuff. If I remember correctly, he said "FUCK ALL YA BITCHES, NIGGA! MY UNCLE OWNS THIS MUTHAFUCKIN' TRAIN!"

what a charming kid.

The Yankees wrapped up the subway series beating the Mets 15-0.  That's an average of 1.9 runs an inning, or roughly 16 easy fly balls to Luis Castillo.

I hope no one noticed me taking this picture.

New Yorkers will tell you that subway graffiti is not uncommon, in particlar on the subway. Even in more particular is the practice of drawing a penis next to someone’s mouth. My pal Nasry even has a joke about how he is afraid to have his own TV show because it will inevitably lead to penises being drawn next to his face. (So far so good!)

But in this case I have to take exception. This girl doesn’t deserve this. I could understand if it was some skanky Bravo reality show about cutting hair or real housewives or “The Cougar”* which seem to fill the subway. Those ads cry out for penis drawings. This is a young lady trying to better herself by getting an education. She’s stuck with a shitty sounding book too: Fields of Reading. If reading Catcher in the Rye is the equivalent of finding a million dollars in a suitcase, Fields of Reading sounds like the equivalent of well… having a dick drawn on your face.

Plus, not to pile on here but it’s Queens College, it’s not like she is at MIT and needs to be taken down a peg. Does this guy (shot in the dark it is a male) really feel like he has to publicly shame her just for taking any form of initiative in her life? “Yeah whatever with your reading and classes, this is all the thing attached to your neck is for.”

Also, is this hovering, unattached penis supposed to be his? It appears to be either flaccid, tiny or both. I guess good art is supposed to generate discussion.

I know, I haven’t touched on the buckteeth or the mustache, because the penis really is the main point of the graffiti, in the same way bacon is the main point of a BLT. But it does once again compound the confusion if the artist is suggesting that is his penis. Why is the penis interested in a woman with facial hair and horrible teeth?

I just hope this doesn’t discourage young New York women from following their dreams, for fear that it will surely only lead to a man forcibly sodomizing their mouths while they try to do some homework under an Elm. Women, if you are reading this allow me to assure you that only happens like half of the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all I can think about is eating a BLT.

-Mike

*Has anyone told self-proclaimed cougars that the term more or less means old slut? That’s how I use it anyway. They should really be aiming for the classification of hot chick, without any age-related sub category.

Actor Kevin Bacon was robbed in a New York City subway station this past Thursday, an unfortunate occurrence that left him without his Blackberry and immediately connectible to over 8 million people by a single degree.