Now look, the last thing I want is to jostle my jabbering jowls like a PEZ-DISPENSER propelling PELLETS of precipitous postulations so PREACHY that I make REV. JIM JONES serving Kewl-Aide…look more LAID BACK than a RECLINED LAZY BOY on the SIDE of SLANTED STEEP SLOPE, okay?

But truth be told, nowadays we DROOL over celebrities the same way Gargamell would DROOL over a seasoned sautéed Smirfette sulfate with the drunken munchies, alright?

They are the precious-pretentious-pod-pipers-of-popularity and we're the foolish-fawning-flea-farm-of--f*ckheads following the out of key melody of their lush, lavish, luxurious lies they live that should be like poison to our ears.

Listen, they have a job where they PRETEND to be SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEWHERE ELSE, doing SOMETHING ELSE. And don't PRETEND like they don't…cause they're f*ckn' ACTORS, remember?

Yet, we adventurously admire and adulate the fake, farce, fictional freak-a-zoids like they're best thing since SLICED DOUGH. Ironically they've spent the preponderance of their DOUGH on being SLICED twice as much than that loaf of Wonder Bread!

EVEN IF…the baker was a SAMURAI SWORD

Swinging  stunt double for Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol 2 cinematic blood baths!

Now hey when a civilian says the term 'PLASTIC SURGERY' it refers to maxing out a MasterCard. When a celebrity says it, they're referring to Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays at the Joan River's Clinic.

Honestly, don’t deny SILICON VALLEY isn’t populated by a parade of SILICONE VALLEYS!

Really folks, an average archetypal actress is an air compressor away from being a rubber sex toy!

Oh yah, nor do I mind if Blow-up-Bootaylicious-Betty is being an AIRHEAD or making me feel the effects of INFLATION on a first date cause she's just such a DOLL that manages to leave me BREATHLESS!

Christ's sake, at least my Blow-up-Bosom-Babe has an excuse for FAKE TITS, FAKE LIPS &…She's REAL enough NOT to  FAKE ORGASMS!

But look, now there's PEZ PELLETS everywhere, f*ck it, E! True Hollywood News is on.

I'm still on Bill Clinton's email list from the time I signed up while working on my book Clintonisms, and there's something ironic about getting a Mother's Day greeting from Bill Clinton in my inbox.

I mean, what else could it be but a list of his MILFs?

Category: Writing and Poetry Chaz-izims update Aug 18, 2008 or the Weekly Freaky Speaky Updizzy My Nizzy. "If you're to cool to Holla, then sit still & swalla!" AntiEbonyx: (prn: An-Tee E-bon-icks) 1.Treatment used to rehabilitate caucasians (i.e. whites, Honkies, the Man, Cracka, Wigga, Brady Bunch and Wood) suffering from a severe form of Terets Syndrome in which these individuals uncontrolably speak and act as if they were inter city Afro-American males struggling to survive the daily socio-economic trials and tribulations of being cursed as Black man in the White Devil's Paradise. Most will claim that they grew up with the same hardships and predjudice as any "Homie" today dealing with the reality that the only way up and out of the gutters of thier hoods and projects is by Pimpin, Slangin, Ballin, Hoopin, Rappin, Prison or a Pine Box. So since these infected whites live this life 24/7, Hood Slang is thier native toung. This claim becomes lame just soon as you notice thier waivering conviction falters when thier voice gets soft and a quick glance over the sholder to see if the coast is clear before dropping the "N-Bomb" in public. 10)Triminagen: (prn: Try men again) 1. All natural, non-persciption, inexpensive treatment for lesbians.WARNING: side effects are; loss of breath, sweating, nausia, gagging, sore thoat, inflamed colon, bruised nipples, shaking leg, mod swings ranging from bliss and laughter to guilt and shame, in some cases suiside, can be habit forming, if you become uncontrolably dependent to this treatment call us immediately! Any time, any where. our cracked out responce team is standing by our hot lines ready to give you hands on treatment attacking the situation from all angles, probing all oppertunities, multiple entries if nessisary. Our large staff will work long and hard to ensure that all your needs are met, working as many shifts as nessisary to achive 100% customer satisfaction. We are hard pressed to find a cure so we will go down and rub out all lesbians of the world because together, we can lick this. 11)Here are some fun names to use for prank calls, making reservations or paging people in public. Ivitch Urcaukopft: (prn: I bit your cock off) Juanna Belle Jolla: (prn: Wanna blow ya) Juan Opena: (prn: One up in ya) His older brother Ben Opena: (prn: 'been up in ya) Rick Dees Gentury: (prn like asian: Lick these gently) Ishia Kama-Gazura:(prn like asian:Is she a cum guzzler?) EsQuintin Tarintiseyo: (prn: Squinting tearing tissue, name I would use if I was an annal porn film director) 4:31 PM Speak July 24, 2008 - Thursday Category: Life Here are some "Chaz-izms" that I've come up with. Feel free to use, share comment or simply ignore any of these. 1)Verbal Masterbation:(prn:ver-Ball mas-Ter-Bay-shun)1 .speaking solely for one's own personal satisfaction, 2. mostly people in love with the sound of there own voice. 2)Macholism: (prn:mah-Chow-liz-em)1.the infectious lowering of I.Q. in men when gathered together around women or sporting events. Beer and fried food will accelerate the syndrome instantly which will usually lead to a "pissing contest" then ultimatly a fight. 3)Mattriculate: (prn: My Trick, You Late)1.how a Pimp would address his employee,("Ho" or "bi-atch"), for being tardy. 2."Sir/Maam, you are not on time". 4)Ephelleippy: (prn: F,L,I,P.)1. a form of terret's syndrome that retards a Filipino's abillity to pronounce the letters "F" or "V" properly. 2. this number "75" would be pronounced "seh-Ben-ti Pie-b". ex."I tink da singer Frince is a pagot".

I got new Chaz-izms for you. July 25, 2008 - Friday Current mood: froggy 5)Contemporary: (prn:Con-tem-poor-RAH-ree) 1. To be involved in any illegal or immoral skee-los occasionally for brief periods only. 2. "I'm 100% legit now but I'm behind on my court and probation fees which is why I'm only doin this CON-TEMPORARY like, then I'm out, for good this time". 6)Omnipotent: (prn: Ahm-nip-O-tent) 1. Sterile 2. Unable to impregnate. 3."Bitch, i can't be your baby daddy cuz omnipotent!" 7)Dysentery: (prn: dis-in terr-EE) 1. To mock or disrespect a person named Terry. 2."Yo, why you always be dyssintery?" 8)Monogamy: (prn: Mah-noh-gah-ME) 1. Type of wood used on pimped outsteering wheels and dash boards. 2. "Nothin spells class with a capital "K" other than imported french monogamy wood trim in my S-ka-laid". 12:19 AM Speak July 24, 2008 - Thursday Category: Life Here are some "Chaz-izms" that I've come up with. Feel free to use, share comment or simply ignore any of these. 1)Verbal Masterbation:(prn:ver-Ball mas-Ter-Bay-shun)1 .speaking solely for one's own personal satisfaction, 2. mostly people in love with the sound of there own voice. 2)Macholism: (prn:mah-Chow-liz-em)1.the infectious lowering of I.Q. in men when gathered together around women or sporting events. Beer and fried food will accelerate the syndrome instantly which will usually lead to a "pissing contest" then ultimatly a fight. 3)Mattriculate: (prn: My Trick, You Late)1.how a Pimp would address his employee,("Ho" or "bi-atch"), for being tardy. 2."Sir/Maam, you are not on time". 4)Ephelleippy: (prn: F,L,I,P.)1. a form of terret's syndrome that retards a Filipino's abillity to pronounce the letters "F" or "V" properly. 2. this number "75" would be pronounced "seh-Ben-ti Pie-b". ex."I tink da singer Frince is a pagot".

Capricorn-You are a controlling materialistic jackass who thinks they are constantly in charge. Your hair is never out of place, you always have that money for that nose job or that new car. You also like military service. How scary are you. But when you are around the ship doesnt sink, so rest assured you are a necessary evil.

Aquarius-There are not enough drugs or parties in the world for you. You are insane and love strippers and hookers. At the same time you are an outraegous drip that thinks you know everything. Yet when it comes to new and fresh ideas you have more than anyone. Its just that you have to get off your ass to put them into action. You never love but when you do you dont let go. They invented the restraining order for you.

Pisces-At your best you are a good objective friend but at your worst you are a self destructive jack ass. You are also somewhat smarter than the rest of the signs because you need to retreat. But then again the world sucks so I can't blame you. The men in this sign have a problem with honesty that that is men in every sign.....oops.

Aries-You are an impulsive nut who has no forethought to any of your actions. You huff, puff, and are a big cry baby. But you are also smart, funny, and good in bed. But most nutty drug addicts are. You do as you do and no one can control you, but on your best day you are still smarter than George W. Bush

Taurus-Man you are stubborn and you are always putting your foot in your mouth. While more flexible than any yoga instructor you are also a loyal friend. But despite your loyalty you also let your friends know when they are being jackasses. You are so loyal your significant other has to pay you to cheat. All and all you aint that bad.

Gemini-I can trust your two faced ass as far as I can throw you. When you are good you are a good storyteller. But at your worst you are an evil backstabber. They invented excorcisms for you. Stay away.

Cancer-To you everything is a personal affront and you take things too seriously. In addition you are the big brother or big sister out of your group of friends and find yourself taking care of a lot of screwed up people. All and all you are alright. Just dont let your friends move in rent free, and when you get hearbroken dont go OJ.

Leo-You are the life of the party because you are throwing it. You are honest, a ray of sunshine, and everyone likes you. You are also brutally honest and love drama which is why people can only stand so much of you. And then you give orders which is why people leave the party early. But you are charming so thats why they come back. Hell I know I do.

Virgo-The most annoying sign in all of astrology. You are manipulative and have OCD to the point where your fingers bleed and everyone elses do just watching you. While you have a sense of humor, your selectiveness and bluntness get on everyone's nerves. Yet when you are around things get done and everything is in ship shape and nothing is left unturned. So you have some sort of value in this world.

Libra-You are the most beautiful sign in all of astrology partially because you cant get away from that mirror. Not to mention you get along with everyone because you are a pushover sometimes. But at the same time you can put your foot down and you are the life of the party, that is why everyone is secretly jealous of you. Just have a lot of social nights and dont let anyone pressure you to make important decisions because you are a flake. All and all though, the universe doesnt spin without your charm.

Scorpio-You are a jealous, possessive, revenge seeking nut. You will follow your enemies till the ends of the earth. Your dont forgive or forget and you have a lot of intestional trouble from being such a pain in everyone's ass. But you are good to have in my corner so I can sick you on people I dont like. So you are like a pitbull, no one likes you but you do have a purpose.

Saggatarius-You are the coolest sign in the zodiac. Wherever you go you accept a dare and ride with the wind. Taking chances is the name of your game. You dont hold grudges because you have ADHD and you arent about being mean. However you dont let people push you too far which is great. But while you love sex dont let that bedroom door hit you in the ass.

 See His 10 Campaign Promises:

1.Universal health care for children

2.Producing alternative energy

3.Reducing family health care costs

4.Investing in infrastructure Tax cuts for working families

5.Turning water into wine

6.Healing the sick

7.Performing exorcisms

8.Raising the dead 

9.Walking on water

10.and renaming The Supreme Court ‘The 9 Disciples’

Bush and Obama met for dinner at the White House as well as the grand tour. After the meeting and hearing various Bushisms like nu-cle-er and many others the Obamas shook their head and understandibly so. Shouldnt they be the ones speaking ebonics?

Hillary Clinton biographer Gail Sheehy tells NBC'S DATELINE…that after the Monica Lewinsky affair was revealed, Hillary Clinton refused to speak to the President for eight months. According to Sheehy, the standoff did not end until one day in March, 1999 when Hillary called the president telling him to begin bombing Kosovo. Sheehy tells DATELINE'S Stone Phillips: “The day after she said that, he [Bill Clinton] announced that he was informing his NATO allies that he was recommending a bombing campaign."